Quality Jokes and Humor

[paigetheoracle]

(Ladies of a nervous disposition, look away now)

 

I've just read research work that says the G spot doesn't exist.

 

Next thing you'll hear is that the vagina doesn't exist either and where it should be is a great big gaping hole!

[REASON]

:eek:

 

I have to admit, Paige, I have a difficult time understanding your sense of humor. Sorry.

 

Let's do some self policing to insure the jokes and humor added to this thread qualify as "quality."

[GAHD]

[img=http://i35.tinypic.com/w0i693.png]http://i35.tinypic.com/w0i693.png[/img]

 

Hillarious.

[Boerseun]

So this reporter pitches up to interview an old lady celebrating her 100th birthday.

"What do you ascribe your great age to?" he asks.

"Sex, sonny. Lots and lots of sex," she answers.

"Good grief - when last have you had sex?" the reporter asks, taken aback.

"Oh, 1945," the old lady answers.

"That's pretty long ago," the reporter says.

"Why, it's only 20:00 now," she replies.

[Michaelangelica]

How to write a scientific paper

How to Write a Scientific Paper

Funny and too true?:phones:

 

I found a pointer to this on a science website

Scientist Solutions - how to write a scientific paper

[Michaelangelica]

UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly

gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

 

They were riding down the river when there was a

fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

 

'Do you want to go up or down?'

 

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

 

When they finished, the man couldn't believe

what had just happened, but he had just experienced

the best sex that he'd had in years.

 

They fished for a while and continued on down the

river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

 

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

 

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,

and made wild passionate love to him again.

 

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so

he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

 

She said yes and there they were the next day,

riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in

river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

 

The woman replied, 'Down.'

 

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman

guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, “Up or down” ?

 

She replied, 'Up.'

 

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

 

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me.

Now today, nothing!'

 

She replied,

'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were '**** or drown' ".

[Pyrotex]

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go there, only to be told by the reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel, and it has only one bed.

 

They are not keen about bunking together, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed. That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep.

 

In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says, "I dreamt I had the best wank last night I ever had!"

 

The guy on the left side says, "That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".

 

The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

[Boerseun]

Male stripper in an old age home.

One old lady had a stroke.

The rest couldn't reach.

[Michaelangelica]

I like this one

lol:D:)

 

VICTORIA'S SECRET: Sheer Nightgown

 

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for

his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in

price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the

best, pays the $500 and takes it home.

[

 

 

 

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

 

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the

balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for

$500, they'd at least iron it!'

 

He never heard the shot.

 

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

[DougF]

Good one Michaelangelica,

 

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

 

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

 

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

 

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

 

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

 

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

 

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

 

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

 

I stole this joke from; (I hope you liked it),

Lawyer Jokes : Generous lawyer

[Pyrotex]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

 

+Tourist: $5.00

 

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

 

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

 

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

 

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"

 

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning.

[REASON]

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.

 

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

 

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

 

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things I love the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose 'Carmen'."

 

"What's your name," she asked.

 

He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf."

[alexander]

EDIT: Not deleted because it is actually funny, but be warned the link the woman got most likely is not something you wanna see (elderly men gay-porn)

 

 

(source kontraband.com)

[freeztar]

I recently backed up my computer again.

 

Now that it is against the wall, I'll assume that it has backed up enough. :confused:

[Moontanman]

Read this very important scientific study!

 

Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women

 

Thursday, May 27, 2010 Posted: 9:19 AM EDT (1319 GMT)

 

(AP) -- Women who perform the act of fellatio on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found.

 

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

 

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurance of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

 

"I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act," said Dr. B.J. Sooner of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. "I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurance of breast cancer in women."

 

The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.

 

"Only with regular performance will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Inserta Shafteer, one of the researchers at the University. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

 

The study is reported in Friday's Journal of Medical Research.

 

In 1991, 43,582 women died of breast cancer, as reported by the National Cancer Institute.

 

Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings.

 

"This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases," Lictepeen said.

 

Sooner said the research shows no increase in the risk of breast cancer in those who are, for whatever reason, not able to fellate regularly.

 

"There's definitely fertile ground for more research. Many have stepped forward to volunteer for related research now in the planning stages," he said.

 

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers.

 

The reasearch consisted of two groups, 6,246 women ages 25 to 45 who had performed fellatio on a regular basis over the past five to ten years, and 9,728 women who had not. The group of women who had performed fellatio had a breast cancer rate of 1.9 percent and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4 percent.

 

"The findings do suggest that there are other causes for breast cancer besides the absence of regular fellatio," Shafteer said. "It's a cause, not THE cause."

[DougF]

JUST FRED

 

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,

so he asks the biker his name.

 

'Fred,' he replies.

 

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

 

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

 

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

 

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

 

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades.

 

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

 

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

 

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

 

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

 

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

 

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

 

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

 

:thumbs_up :) :naughty: :naughty: :naughty:

[sanctus]

Neew help there, what is a VD? And is there any double sense in Johnson?