Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

 

I give up. What's the answer?

[Moontanman]

Sex – Work or pleasure?

 

The commanding officer of a regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders.

 

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

 

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

 

He posed the question of just how much of sex was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’

 

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

 

A captain said it was 50-50%.

 

The colonel’s aide responded with 75-25% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

 

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, ‘Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.’

 

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

 

‘Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.’

[Moontanman]

therapy session

 

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young

mothers and their small children."You all have obsessions," he observed.

 

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've

even named your daughter Candy."

 

He turned to the second mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again,

it manifests itself in your child's name: Penny."

 

He turned to the third mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too

shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

 

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little

boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what

he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy at school and get

dinner started."

[Moontanman]

I FOUND JESUS!

 

 

He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana

[Moontanman]

IDIOT SIGHTING:

 

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large'enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.. Four is larger than two..."

 

We haven't used Sears repair since.

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

 

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

 

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

 

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

 

From Kingman , KS .

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

 

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

 

From Kansas City

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

 

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

 

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

 

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

 

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

 

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

 

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side. This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTINGS:

 

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said, "Cool"!

 

 

 

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... they REPRODUCE.......... and they vote

[Moontanman]

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

 

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Greenfield because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

 

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

 

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

 

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

 

She was really lucky.

 

 

 

 

 

Did you see this coming?????

[Boerseun]

The priest goes and visits the farmer on his big successful farm that he started many years ago from scratch, having built everything up with his bare hands to the sterling success it became.

 

So the priest reminds the farmer that he shouldn't forget to thank the Lord for being the reason of the farm's success.

 

"Might well be, father, but you should have seen this place when the Lord was farming here by himself..."

[Moontanman]

Larry's in the hospital again.

 

Ok, you’re asking, “Who the hell is Larry?”

 

Larry got home late one night, and his wife asked, “Where in the hell have you been?”

 

Larry replied, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

 

“A tattoo? What kind of tattoo?”

 

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis,” he said proudly.

 

“What the hell were you thinking? Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?”

 

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And four, instead of going out shopping, now you can stay home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

 

 

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the hospital.

[Pyrotex]

... now you can stay home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”....

 

:weather_storm: :eek_big:

I don't get it.

:Alien:

[InfiniteNow]

I'm not sure... You may need to be from Texas to appreciate this one. Enjoy.

 

 

Texas summertime...

 

 

*

Dear Diary

 

June 1 :

 

Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful

sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've finally found my

home. I love it here.

 

June 14th :

 

Really heating up. Got to 100 today . Not a problem. Live in an

air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see

the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

 

June 30th :

 

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today . Lots of cactus and

rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another

scorcher today , but I love it here.

 

July 10th :

 

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to

this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to

the heat is taking longer than I expected.

 

July 15th :

 

Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my

body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson

though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

 

July 20th :

 

I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By

the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to

the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now

smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in

this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

 

July 25th :

 

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as

fire.* The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged

$200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

 

July 30th :

 

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I

can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

 

Aug. 4th:

 

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today . It cost $500

and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

 

Aug. 8th:

 

If another wise *** cracks, 'Hot enough for you today ?' I'm going to

strangle him. Lots of heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling

over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

 

Aug. 9th:

 

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when sat on the seats

in the car, I thought I was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost

2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and a. . . Now

my car smells like burnt hair, fried a, and baked cat.

 

Aug 10th :

 

The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and

sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 long months and the

weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in

this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus

will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this

heat.

 

Aug. 14th:

 

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today . Cactus are dead.

Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The

installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you

today ?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas

. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

 

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

[DougF]

If you receive an email

from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat

canned pork

because of

swine flu............

 

 

Ignore it.

 

It's just Spam.

 

 

:Alien: :ud: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

[Moontanman]

The Wisconsin Ghost

 

This is too good not to read, especially if you thought ghosts didn't exist! This happened about a month ago just outside of Stoughton, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

 

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

 

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would surely drown!

 

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's

window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

 

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Stoughton.

 

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots, then told everybody about his experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

 

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to he other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in da rain

[Michaelangelica]

This one was sent to me by my kid's GODmother!

 

Story with a moral

Story about

A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

 

There is a moral to this story.....

 

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh...if I go down three inches

I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.'

 

There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

 

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!'

 

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank

Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...

And that fish leaps for it..

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper supper.'

 

Now, you probably think this is

Enough activity on one river bank,

But I can tell you there's more....

 

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches....

And that fish jumps for that fly..

And that bear grabs for that fish..

The dumb hunter will shoot the bear

And drop his cheese sandwich."

 

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

(as was fashionable to do on the banks of This particular river around meal time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..

And that fish jumps for that fly

And that bear grabs for that fish

And that hunter shoots that bear..

And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .

Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

 

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he

Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

 

NOW, The Moral Of The Story .....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

 

A pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

 

 

--

[Moontanman]

Three cowboys were seated around the

campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the

pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of

bravado, a night of tall tales...

 

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the

strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why,

just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It

had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the

horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my

teeth."

 

Ben from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested.

That's nothing, "I was walking down the trail

yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from

under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that

bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the

poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly

ache."

 

Old Bert, the cowboy from Indiana remained silent, slowly

stirring the campfire coals with his penis.

[Moontanman]

Why I Had To Change Hotels

 

 

Last week I checked into my hotel in Atlanta and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy

Hair, long graceful legs..... Well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

 

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

 

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?'

 

 

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

[Turtle]

i was texting a friend & mentioned that i had baked zuccini bread. i received this reply. (jenny is his wife)

 

message: cool. jenny naked banana bread today.

 

three hours later i received another text from him containing a single word.

 

2^nd message: baked

 

:)

[Moontanman]

Price of gas in France

 

A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.

 

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

 

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings---

 

I had no Monet

 

To buy Degas

 

To make the Van Gogh.

 

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

 

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse ....