Quality Jokes and Humor

[alexander]

Democracy is a funny thing, you see, you have a choice for everything except for one thing, actually selecting to become a democratic government....

[Moontanman]

Subject: Fwd: Happy Halloween

Bed sheets

 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last

of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

 

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the

latestï episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with

diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

 

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed

sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

 

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He

started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to

get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled

pile at his feet.

 

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,a

hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who

had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going

on here?"

 

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the **** out of

a ghost."

 

Happy Halloween

[Thunderbird]

I really do try to weigh both side on the issue on health care reform, but the damn thing would not get on the scales of truth. :)

 

 

 

[Michaelangelica]

POSITIVELY PRICELESS!!!

 

Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.

 

So, how do a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard

 

"Death To Americans"(etc.) slogans printed in English?

 

Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English.

 

Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company employee

hired for the job was a retired US Army Sergeant!

 

Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way to Arab TV networks,

 

but the results were PRICELESS!

 

 

 

Summary of the eRumor:

The message says that the picture is of a group of Syrians who can't speak Arabic, much less English. They allegedly hired an English-speaking man to create signs for them that they thought would be insulting to Americans. The man was a retired U.S. Army sergeant, however, and they unwittingly conducted their protest with signs that said "WE ARE IDIOTS!", "BOMB US NEXT!", and "PLEASE KICK OUR ASSES!"

The Truth:

There is no evidence that this ever really happened.

 

There is no confirmation that this is a picture of Syrians.

 

From evaluating the pictures itself, it's obvious that someone used a computer program to replace whatever messages were originally on the signs with the English phrases. One of our TruthOrFiction.com subscribers pointed out that the lettering on the signs doesn't conform to the uneven surface on the banner and that when the picture is enlarged one of the letters is actually pasted over a portion of one of the men's foreheads, a clear indication that the messages on the signs were pasted over the original picture.

 

Last updated 1/1/06

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/m/moslem-protest.htm

It did seem more like Ozzie humour than Yank. ;)

But we should never let the truth get in the way of a good story. ;)

[Moontanman]

Damn, that would have been so cool if it was true! I've often wondered if some of the t-shirts with something written in Japanese or some other language not generally spoken locally is really some obscene phrase.

[Pyrotex]

Sam and Matilda had been married for 58 years. And in all that time there had hardly been a nasty word between them. But now, Matilda was showing the signs of extreme age. She was bedridden, and getting weaker by the month. Sam took it upon himself to go throught the house, cleaning out every closet, asking Matilda who should get the possessions she would be leaving behind, and taking care of all the financial and legal tasks that he saw approaching.

 

And he came across the mysterious shoebox. He had only seen it once before, the week after their honeymoon. And Matilda had made him promise that he would never look in it or ask her about it. And he never did.

 

But now, Matilda was dying. And she agreed it was time for him to see what was inside the shoebox. It contained two crocheted dolls, each about ten inches tall, and a bundle of hundred dollar bills that totaled ninety-four thousand dollars. Sam was stunned and asked for an explanation.

 

She told him that her mother had given her some advice the day before her wedding. The advice was: every time she got so mad at her husband that she was afraid of going into a rage or of commiting some violence toward him, she was to immediately crochet a doll. And this advice she had followed her entire married life.

 

Tears poured down Sam's face. What a wonderful wife she had been! 58 years of marriage, and despite all their disagreements, she had only crocheted TWO dolls!

 

Through his tears of joy and his smile of love, he asked where the ninety-four thousand dollars had come from.

 

"Oh, that?" she said, "that was from selling all the other dolls."

[paigetheoracle]

Science question:-

 

Which came first - the client or the prostitute?:evil::);)

[Pyrotex]

During a recent password audit in a large company, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

 

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

[Moontanman]

There was a young man who as life and luck would have it had fallen in love with a wonderful young lady and was engaged to be married.

 

But as both life and luck would also have it all was not perfect for the young gentleman, he had suffered when young in a terrible accident with a vacuum cleaner and his penis had been chopped off,

 

He went from one doctor to another for help because he wanted to be able to please his lady love on their wedding night but to no avail. Finally he went to a Doctor who was famous for unorthodox procedures and was told in no uncertain terms he could be helped but the help would indeed cause him to be different from any other man.

 

Of course the young man said he didn't care and would submit to what ever it took to give him a penis. The Doctor told the young man he could replace his penis but his new process would only work if the penis was replaced with the trunk of a baby elephant. After some thought he agreed to the process.

 

A few weeks later the doctor gave him a clean bill of health released him from the hospital and told him he could use his new penis in any way he wanted. His fiancé was anxious for her new man to meet her parents so he agreed to attend a dinner party in his honor that very night.

 

It was the first time he had ever met his lady loves parents and he was a little nervous but by dinner his hosts had finally made him feel comfortable and as he looked at the sumptuous table he felt the elephant trunk begin to move around in his pants. He wiggled around and finally he had to secretly unbuckle his pants to get "it" to settle down.

 

As dinner was served the platters were passed around and he took his fork and added a large hot baked potato to his plate. As the platter went on suddenly the baby elephants trunk jumped up and grabed the baked potato and disappeared under the table.

 

 

Everyone one was very quiet, no one seemed to know what to say but his hostess tried to appear unperturbed and said, "that was an amazing trick, could you do that again?" The man answered. "Probably, but I'm not sure another baked potato will fit up my ***!"

[GAHD]

speaking of elephants...YouTube - Funniest Movie Line Ever http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM

[Moontanman]

Ooooo GAHD, that was a low blow, speaking of low blows.......:naughty:

[Moontanman]

Tom's golf cart wreck

 

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would

like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to

the podium.

 

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible

golf cart wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was

excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they

imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced..

 

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move

caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed

remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place ."

 

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably

as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

 

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the

hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover

completely."

 

All the men sighed with relief.

 

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

 

He said, "I'm Tom."

 

The entire congregation held its breath.

 

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is 'sternum'."

[Moontanman]

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,

My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down and he spoke real slow,

he told me there was something I had to know.

 

His look and his tone I will always remember,

When he told me of horrors of.......Black November,

"Come about August, now listen to me,

Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,

 

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,

you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

"And then one morning when you're warm in your bed,

In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.

 

"She'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n' pink,

And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink.

"Then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,

She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."

 

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,

I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,

I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.

 

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,

High-roughage salads, juice, and diet cola.

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,

I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.

 

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,

And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,

As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.

 

And sure enough Black November rolled around,

I was the last turkey left in the compound.

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap,

I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.

 

She held me today, while sewing and humming,

And smiled at me and said,

"Christmas is coming..........."

~

Author Unknown To Me

[Pyrotex]

So this elderly man goes to his eye doctor for a new set of glasses, because his vision in one eye is getting a little fuzzy.

 

The doctor examines him and says, "Mister Smith, I must inform you that you have a cataract."

 

The old man nods and says, "That's good. I don't mean to be ungrateful, but could I trade that cataract in on a Ford?"

[tekayo]

a guy seen a womans family book and noticed she has 10 little boy named jack

 

so he asked: how do you do if u want them to come to dinner ?

she: i call jack and they all come running

 

 

he asked : and what if you wanted to talk to apecific one of them ??

she: oh yeah, i call him with his last name!!!

 

___________________________________

 

a guy with his girl on wife on bed

 

started licking and kiss her, her nose , her neck, her breast... to her pu**y

and then stopped

she: why did you stop ?

he: i've found the remote control i was looking for!!

[paigetheoracle]

Why is religious conversion like an orgasm?:phones:

 

Because in both cases you know 'I' and 'My God!' are one:eek:

[paigetheoracle]

A man rushed into his Doctor's office.

 

'You've got to help me Doc, I think I've lost my mind!'

 

'Where were you, when you think this occurred?'

 

'In the park but what has that got to do with it?'

 

'Well let me get my hat and coat and I'll come with you - perhaps it's in the undergrowth somewhere close by':eek_big: