Quality Jokes and Humor

[Pyrotex]

Do you remember Michael Mooney?

Maybe this will jolt your memory...

 

xkcd - A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language - By Randall Munroe

[Jay-qu]

see thread in watercooler - maybe it should be on the front page :confused:

[freeztar]

 

:lol:

[paigetheoracle]

I've just realized why the day after Christmas is called Boxing Day - it's when all the fighting starts.:)

 

I've got Hodgkinson's Disease and if he doesn't pay the ransom, he can have it back again!

[Moontanman]

The Tequila Test.

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If this doesn't make you laugh then you must really be having a bad day!!!

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This is why we should know our limits when drinking tequila.

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Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

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He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

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He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

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Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.."

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The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

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"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

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"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do First , You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

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Second, There's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

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Third. There's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

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The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it!

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You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

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"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

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As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"

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He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

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Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

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They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

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Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

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"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[Boerseun]

Guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a double - straight up. He downs it in one gulp and orders another. And another. And another. So the barman asks what's the occasion?

"Just had my first blowjob today," the guy answers.

"Well, congrats!" the barman says. "Let me get you another, on the house!"

"No thanks," the guy replies, "if ten shots won't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt another one would."

 

 

 

 

 

ALL TOGETHER NOW:

 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!!!!

[paigetheoracle]

How do you know if the person at the other end of the bar, drinking beer is a scientist or not?

They'll only be interested in Coors and effect.:shrug:

 

How do you know if the guy behind you on the highway is a grammarian?

He'll only be interested in parsing.:naughty:

 

How can you be sure an ophthalmologist is going to see you arriving at his house?

Because he'll keep an eye out for you:eek_big:

 

How can you tell if a schizophrenic is in a bad mood?

He won't even speak to himself.:(

 

What do you say to a hungry zombie on a diet?

Eat your heart out!;)

 

Did you know that Baron Victor Frankenstein was the first person in the world to take body building seriously?:eek:

 

A successful man is only interested in doing a good job, to satisfy himself - a failure just wants to be famous:hyper:

 

Why is it that websites with no email, only have FAQ pages that never answer your 'faqing' questions?:confused:

[Boerseun]

Is it okay to tell jokes about Haiti or do we have to wait till the dust have settled?

[paigetheoracle]

Is it okay to tell jokes about Haiti or do we have to wait till the dust have settled?

 

I should report that as a sick joke but seriously I was crushed when I heard about the disaster (I hate Haiti jokes - sign the petition now!)

[Michaelangelica]

Dinosaurs against creationism T-shirt. Creationists do not believe in evolution, instead preferring to interpret the Bible literally. They believe that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, and that it was created in just 6 days. They are not content with just holding such wacky beliefs themselves, they want to force them upon our children in our schools. The great Bill Hicks had a one word retort to creationists: "Dinosaurs". It's a safe bet that if dinosaurs were still around today they would be protesting against creationism!

Darwin's ideas were ridiculed after the publication of his "On the origin of the Species" in 1859. Today some people still refuse to accept his ideas, but we hope Darwin would smile at this T-shirt if he was still around today.

Anti-creationism T-shirt

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This is a fun satire on Fox and other puerile news reports

YouTube - Charlie Brooker - How To Report The News http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtGSXMuWMR4

[Pyrotex]

Soviet Joke:

The Kremlin wants to find out why the nail factories are losing money. They send a Russian undercover to America to get an MBA at Harvard. He comes back and says,

"Comrades. The problem is we pay our workers the same salary whether they produce any nails or not. So from now on, we will pay them according to the number of nails they produce."

Over the next month, the losses double. The MBA guy investigates and says,

"Comrades, the problem is they are now producing only carpet tacks. So from now on, we will pay them according to the total weight of the nails they produce."

Over the next month, losses increase by 10. The MBA guy investigates and says,

"Comrades, the problem is they are now producing only railroad spikes. So from now on, we will pay them according to the total value of the nails they produce."

Over the next month, losses increase by 100. The MBA guy investigates and says,

"Comrades, the workers are producing the types of nails they should, and they are producing the number of nails they should. Unfortunately, all the nails are solid gold."

[Pyrotex]

Soviet joke:

Little Ivan is sitting in his Political Theory Class.

 

The professor says, "Who is your mother?"

 

Ivan says, "my mother is Mother Russia!"

 

The professor says, "Excellent. Who is your father?"

 

Ivan says, "my father is the Communist Party!"

 

The professor says, "Excellent. Ivan, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

 

Ivan says, "an orphan!"

[alexander]

ooh correction:

 

-- Ivan says, "an orphan!"

++ Ivan thinks "an orphan", as he is taken out of the room to be interrogated by the FSB for "having anti-soviet thoughts".

 

Wait, is it still a joke if it represents many cases of the soviet reality....?

[Boerseun]

Hur hur hur...

 

Economy with words was essential in the days of the wire telexes because media paid per word.

 

In the ‘Forties of the last century this was illustrated by a news editor in America showing an English correspondent in London how to abbreviate his stories.

Correspondent: LUNATIC ASYLUM INMATE ESCPAPES AND RAPES WASHER WOMAN.

News Editor: No, no, you could have cut the word count in half!

Correspondent: I can’t see how!?

News Editor: Try: NUT BOLTS SCREWS WASHER.

[Pyrotex]

Soviet joke:

--Comrades! We could save a lot of money by not printing the 'M' volume of the encyclopedia.

But, Ivan, what about "meat"?

--We have no meat!

But, Ivan, what about "money"?

--We have no money!

But, Ivan, what about "milk"?

--We have no milk!

But, Ivan, what about "Marx"?

--That we can do without most of all!

[Pyrotex]

Soviet joke:

Stalin was dead and the Kremlin decided that it would be best to find a burial site outside of the Soviet Union. England had been an ally in WWII, so they asked England if they could bury Stalin there.

England said, thanks for the honor, but Marx is already buried here. It would be asking too much to have both communist luminaries in the same place.

Germany had been an enemy in WWII, but they had been easy to bully, so they asked Germany if they could bury Stalin there.

Germany said, you've got to be kidding. Hitler is already buried here. It would be asking too much to have two dictators in the same place.

The Kremlin could think of nobody else to ask, when suddenly, Israel said, since Stalin refrained from vetoing the emmigration of Jews to Israel after WWII, we would be glad to bury Stalin here.

The Kremlin said, oh god NO! You've already had one resurrection there...

[Boerseun]

On the same note, a guy, his wife and her mother go on a tour of the Holy Land.

 

Just outside Jerusalem, on their way to some tourist attraction, his mother-in-law had a stroke and kicked the bucket. Together with his mourning wife, they went to the local police to get clearance to fly her corpse back to the States.

"Well, to fly her to the States will cost a lot of money, sir. Special coffins, cargo space, the lot. But we will bury her in Jerusalem for free," the cop says.

"We'll have to take another mortgage on the house if we want to fly her home," the ever-practical wife says.

"Bugger the mortgage. Two thousand years ago they had another 'burial' here - I'm not taking any chances! We're flying her home!"