ren Posted July 27, 2005 Report Share Posted July 27, 2005 math joke, sort of... it's kind of corny but... how would you translate this into words? highlight:for all upside down E's, there exists an upside down A. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goku Posted November 17, 2005 Report Share Posted November 17, 2005 a teacher was reading chcken little to her second grade class one day.she came to the part where chicken little runs up to the farmer and says "the sky is falling"she asked her class, does anyone know what the farmer said?jimmy raised his hand and answered, the farmer probably said holy **** there's a talkin chicken! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
infamous Posted January 25, 2006 Report Share Posted January 25, 2006 While interviewing an anonymous U.S. Special Forces soldier on his sniper skills, a Reuter's News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boerseun Posted January 26, 2006 Report Share Posted January 26, 2006 While interviewing an anonymous U.S. Special Forces soldier on his sniper skills, a Reuter's News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil"How do you prevent Osama from drowning? You take your boot off his neck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saidevo Posted January 27, 2006 Report Share Posted January 27, 2006 I have a good collection of quality humour. I shall post them in instalments here under three heads: jokes, episodes and bites! I am reminded of our English professor of my college days, whose words on the definition of humour still echo in my mind:Humour is the quick perception of lack of proportion and kind expression of it. Say "Cheese!" or "Ha, Ha!": Jokes---------------------------------"You know the difference between a priest and a donkey?" asked the lawyer."What's that?", said the priest."The priest prays, the donkey brays." "Well", said the priest calmly, "you know the difference between a lawyer and a donkey?""No", said the lawyer."There's no difference."----- The greatest trial of patience is a stammering barrister examining a stuttering witness in the presence of a deaf judge. ----- Snakeskins make the best shoes.And banana skins make the best slippers. ----- Say "Cheese!" or "Ha, Ha!": Episodes------------------------------------Michael DeBakey Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running." Say "Cheese!" or "Ha, Ha!": Bites---------------------------------Birds and Animals Why did the chicken cross the road?It wanted to get to the other side of the road. Why did it cross back?It was a double crosser. ----- Why did the chicken cross the road at 11:00 pm? It was working overtime.Why did the turkey cross the road?The chicken was off duty. ----- Why do cows wear bells?Because their horns don't work.----- See you later,saidevo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saidevo Posted February 1, 2006 Report Share Posted February 1, 2006 -----------------------------Jokes, Episodes and Bites - 02-----------------------------Jokes:-----Sign at a cobbler's shop:We doctor your shoes, heel them, attend their dyeing and save their soles. "I'm sorry to hear that your factory was burnt down. What do you manufacture?" "Fire-extinguishers." Once upon a time, there lived a farmer who owned a big hayfield. The farmer's son decided he would go to the city to earn his living, so one day he packed all his bags and left home. But when he got to the city, the best he could do was a job as a bootblack at the railroad station... ...Now the father makes hay while the son shines. Visitor to art exhibit: "Why did they hang this picture?""Must be because they couldn't find the artist!" Convict no.600: "It took me nearly two years to complete this book."Convict no.610: "Oh, that's nothing. It took me five years to complete a sentence." Episodes:--------Washington Brain A very rich old man was on his deathbed in a hospital. His doctor told him that there was only one thing that could save him: a brain transplant, which was still highly experimental and very expensive. The old man said that cost was no object and asked the doctor if there were any brains available. The doctor replied that three brains were currently available. The first brain was from a college professor and it cost $10,000. The patient said that was no problem, but asked about the others. The doctor told him the second one was from a rocket scientist and the cost for it would be $100,000. The old man said that still it wasn't a problem and figured that he'd just be that much smarter. He then asked the doctor about the last available brain. The doctor told him it was from a Washington bureaucrat and that the cost for that brain was a half a million dollars. The patient was shocked. He asked the doctor why that brain was so much more expensive. The medical professional explained, "It's never been used." Bites:-----Broken English Chat: India --------------------------Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in! Why are you not filupping the blanks?" Don't talk like that in front of my back. Don't stand in front of my back. Repeat that again please! Lecturer: Boys, please keep quiet. The principal is revolving outside. Lecturer (seeing the principal pass by the door): Less noise! The principal just passed away. Definitions-----------A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never her age. A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other. A committee is a group of people who can do nothing individually, but as a group decide that nothing can be done. A camel is a horse defined by a committee. A jury is a group of people chosen to decide which party has the best lawyer. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. See you later,saidevo ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saidevo Posted February 9, 2006 Report Share Posted February 9, 2006 Jokes, Episodes, Bites - 03 Jokes:-----What part of the car causes the most accidents?The nut that holds the wheel. --- "If you reject me, darling", said the boy, "I'll put a rope around my neck and hang myself there on the tree opposite your bedroom." "Please don't do that", said the girl, "Father objects to your hanging around here."--- "How did the explosion occur?", exclaimed an expert witness in court."The reason's clear. The engineer was full and the boiler was empty." --- One friend: "How did you become so successful all of a sudden?"Other friend: "Through a strong will." "What do you mean by a strong will?""A will which left me eighty thousand pounds."--- Mistress: "And, above all, I want obedience and truthfulness." New maid: "Yes, madam. But, if anybody calls when you are in and you want me to say you are out, which comes first: obedience or truthfulness?" --- Episodes:--------Human Life God created the donkey and told him: "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years." God granted his wish. God created the dog and told him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog." The dog answered: "Sir, to live 25 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish. God created the monkey and told him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years." The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish. Finally God created man and told him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be man but to live only 20 years is very little. Give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want, and the 10 years the monkey refused." God granted man's wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grand children. Bites:-----Broken English Chat: India Professor to students hanging around the corridors during an examination: "Don't rotate the verandah in front of the examination hall." Instructor: Take a copper wire of any metal... and pour a liquid solution of sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape... Lecturer (angry with a boy): Get out of the class!The boy sulks, continues standing.Lecturer: If you don't get out, I'll ask the principal to get out! Heard in the kitchen: "No, no I don't need a chair. I can stand eating." A gardener scolding three kids : Both of u three, don't under-stand the tree!"Apply apply, No reply" (comment of a frustrated job seeker). DefinitionsA classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has.A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.A conservative is a politician who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation ago.A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.Ulcers: Something you get not from what you eat, but from what is eating you. See you later,saidevo Racoon and Turtle 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boerseun Posted February 10, 2006 Report Share Posted February 10, 2006 So a priest, a rabbi and a bishop walks into a bar. The barman says: "What, is this a joke?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drip Curl Magic Posted February 10, 2006 Report Share Posted February 10, 2006 So a priest, a rabbi and a bishop walks into a bar. The barman says: "What, is this a joke?" haha, I enjoyed that one. made me giggle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saidevo Posted February 14, 2006 Report Share Posted February 14, 2006 Jokes, Episodes, Bites - 04 Jokes: Mary: "I looked into his eyes and saw he was a teacher."Joe: "How did you manage that?"Mary: "I could see his pupils." --- The maid picked up the phone and muttered something before slamming it down. "Who was that, Marie? I'm expecting a trunk-call." "Only some mad idiot, Mr. Wilson. He said it was a long distance from California. I told him we knew that."--- Doctor: "That pain in your leg is caused by old age."Patient: "Don't fool me! My other leg's of the same age." --- At a fashionable London dinner party, Disraeli was once asked to distinguish between a misfortune and a calamity. "Well", he is reported to have answered, "if Gladstone fell into Thames, that would be a misfortune. If anybody pulled him out, that would be a calamity."--- George Bernard Shaw, famous dramatist, was in his study, wrestling with his thoughts on the latest drama he was writing, when he overheard the conversation of the two servants outside his door. "Is he busy?", asked one."No", was the reply, "only writing." Episodes: Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see". Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" said Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you fool. Somebody has stolen our tent." --- Bell boy A priest was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. The boy was very small and the doorbell was too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest decided to help him. He stepped smartly across the street, walked up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replied, "Now we run like Hell!" --- Bites:International: You know the difference between an Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman? Well, on leaving a train, an Irishman walks off without looking back to see if he has left anything behind. An Englishman looks back to see if he has left anything. A Scot looks back to see if anybody has left anything! --- An American, an Indian and a Russian were talking. The Russian boasted that their marine technology was so advanced that they could go down to the bottommost of a sea. "The bottommost!", wondered the Indian. "Well almost, may be a couple of inches higher", replied the Russian. The American then boasted that their space technology was so advanced that they had literally touched the sky. "The sky!", wondered the Indian. "Well almost, may be a couple of inches lower", replied the American. The Indian said softly, "We in India eat with our noses." The other two guys were astonished. "Really?", they wondered. "May be a couple of inches lower", replied the Indian. --- Morons and Fools: Define a moron.A person who looks through the keyhole of a glass door. How do you keep a moron busy?Write 'please turn over' on both sides of a blank paper. How do you make a moron laugh on Friday?Tell him a joke on Wednesday. How do you confuse a moron?Place him in a round room and ask him to sit in a corner. A fool went to a movie. He bought a ticket and went in. He then came out and bought another ticket. He did this two more times. The ticket seller asked him why he was buying tickets repeatedly. He replied that the guy at the gate kept tearing the tickets. Sixteen fools went to a movie. They bought tickets but came out without seeing the movie because on the top of the entrance was written "Under 18 not allowed". See you later,saidevo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
infamous Posted February 15, 2006 Report Share Posted February 15, 2006 Hey buddy, did you hear the one about Cheney bagging a lawyer bird?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InfiniteNow Posted February 15, 2006 Report Share Posted February 15, 2006 lol. The Vice president... of the United states... of america... shot... a 78 year old... in the face... No... seriously!! :eek2: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boerseun Posted February 15, 2006 Report Share Posted February 15, 2006 Apparently, after news got out about Cheney shooting a lawyer, his popularity surged to 97%... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
infamous Posted February 15, 2006 Report Share Posted February 15, 2006 Apparently, after news got out about Cheney shooting a lawyer, his popularity surged to 97%...Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,.........there may be some good reason for the rumor Boerseun.................Infy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turtle Posted February 18, 2006 Report Share Posted February 18, 2006 Did you hear the one about the growth claims of HeightMax pills? They came up short!;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) :rant: :rant: :rant: :rant: :rant: :rant: :rant: :rant: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turtle Posted February 18, 2006 Report Share Posted February 18, 2006 Did you hear the one about the growth claims of HeightMax pills? They came up short!:lol: :) :D :D :cool: :cup: :lol: :lol: :hihi: :hyper: :hyper: :D ;) :lol: :lol: :hihi: :hihi: No, I didn't hear that. But I did hear that the guy taking Heigh Max is gonna change his name from Pewee to Shorty.:hyper: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turtle Posted February 18, 2006 Report Share Posted February 18, 2006 Did you hear the one about the growth claims of HeightMax pills? They came up short!:lol: :) :D :D :cool: :cup: :lol: :lol: :hihi: :hyper: :hyper: :D ;) :lol: :lol: :hihi: :hihi: No, I didn't hear that. But I did hear that the guy taking Heigh Max is gonna change his name from Shorty to Pewee.:hyper: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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