Quality Jokes and Humor

[Racoon]

Whats the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral ??

 

A: There's one less drunk...

 

:evil:

 

What does a 60 year old woman have between her tits that a 20 year old doesn't?

 

A: a bellybutton

 

:)

 

Shame on me! :naughty:

[ronthepon]

This is for ROTFLMAO humor. Please uphold

the standards. If you're not sure about the quality of your humor,

check the next 4 posts for samples.

 

What happened to upholding the standards?

 

(My answer to the last question was censored by the universal censor board)

[Michaelangelica]

Whats the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral ??

 

A: There's one less drunk...

 

:naughty:

Unfortunately this is true like many Irish Jokes.

i don't know if this is the forum to bare my sole but here goes:_

My mother's maiden name was O'Rourke

(My mother could NOT understand Irish jokes "Well you would need that many electricians. . .light bulbs. . whatever- wouldn't you??" She once range me when I was running amail order business to tell me that postage rates were to be increase on the morrow and I should rush out and buy lots of stamps today while they were cheap. i just said "yes mum" i had long ago l learnt not to try to explain things to her)

My wife's family were the Kellys.

We decided to have a VERY formal wedding with few guests, as traditionally all family weddings ended in many cases of altercations, arguments and aggravated assault charges.

We thought we did well the wedding and reception went off with hardly a hitch.(Well. .The wedding veil catching on the pew while father of the bride pulled one way(thinks- "You're not backing out now!") the bride pulling the other way (thinks-"Help I'm stuck!)

 

However we had forgotten one very small detail.

That was to tell the caterers' that there should be a limit to the amount of grog (Do Americans have that word for alcohol?) supplied.

I still find it hard to believe that 60 people can drink in a few short hours four cases of scotch, 10 cases of wine,countless mixed drinks and amazing amounts of beer.

The result my mother and her two sisters had fights with their respective partners.

The three (remember Irish) sitters caught a cab home.

In the cap they had a furious fight and didn't speak to each other for two years after our wedding.

Some years later (when I had finished paying the wedding grog bill)

I asked my mother what the terrible argument was about that had caused so much angst.

The argument apparently was about my Grandmother, their mother, who had died when I was four years old. You need to follow the next bit closely

The argument was about weather my grandmother WAS or WAS NOT a "Blessed Saint In Heaven"

I was gobsmaked, especially as all were lapsed catholics.

I swear this is a true story.

 

So racoon, this is my agony tale. Perhaps we need another "Agony" forum or perhaps an "Irish Jokes are True" forum.

 

I know that when I die there WILL be one less drunk.

[Michaelangelica]

In repayment for my solecism above I humbly offer the following:-

 

What is the difference between your Wife, your Mistress and your Lover?

 

Your Mistress goes-

" O . .yes. .more . . oooh. .o. yes. . Yes.

 

Your Lover goes:

"OH! MORE again OH YES. . YES . .MORE.. . OH YES!.

 

You Wife goes:

beige.. .

Yes. . . beige. . .

I think we'll paint the ceiling beige.

--

Michael

[Pyrotex]

Do you know why so many teenaged blondes have square boobs?

 

Because nobody told them that you have to take the Kleenex OUT of the box first.

[InfiniteNow]

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?

 

Artificial intelligence.

 

 

Why was the blonde found staring at the orange juice container?

 

Because it said concentrate.

 

 

What do you call ten 19 year old fit blondes standing naked in a sex den beckening you toward them?

 

My fantasy. (no, really, that wasn't a joke. :evil: )

[Pyrotex]

...What do you call ten 19 year old fit blondes standing naked in a sex den beckening you toward them?

I call it almost enough. :evil:

[Michaelangelica]

so a guy walks into a bar...

OOOMPH, Ow!!

[ronthepon]

There were three scientists doing research on the banks of the amazon river.

 

The physics guy tries to check the density of the water, jumps in.

 

He does'nt come back.

 

The other physisist jumps in to search for his mate.

 

Even he never comes back

 

The third writes in his notebook:

 

'both are soluble in water.'

 

PS: Yeah, even I know that I can't joke for a joke...

[Michaelangelica]

Eve's conversation with God:

 

 

 

"Lord, I have a small problem."

 

"What's the problem, Eve?"

 

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all

of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but

I'm just not happy."

 

"And why is that Eve?"

 

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

 

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for

you."

 

"Man? What is that Lord?"

 

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be

vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger,

faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a

way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and

will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.

He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think

properly."

 

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but

what's the catch Lord?"

 

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

 

"And what's that Lord? "

 

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring . so you'll

have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be

our little secret ... you know, woman to woman.:)

[Michaelangelica]

WOMAN'S DIARY:

 

 

Saturday October 8th, 2005.

 

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

 

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

 

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

 

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

 

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

 

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.

 

I cried myself to sleep.

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

MAN'S DIARY:

 

 

 

Saturday 8th October, 2005.

 

 

 

Liverpool lost to Chelsea. Gutted.

Got a shag though.

 

____________________________________

[sun]

Those are both very boring people.

 

Sun's diary:

 

All the ups and downs this side of the galaxy has to offer.

[Michaelangelica]

A final footnote on gay marriage

http://www.abc.net.au/sydney/stories/s1665116.htm

[Guest jamongo]

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

 

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie

went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old

grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had

died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were

making love on Sunday morning. "

 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old

having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

 

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our

advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church

bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow

and even.

 

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She

paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

 

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."*

[Michaelangelica]

*

The best

LOL, LOL LOL, Very funny:hihi: :evil: :hihi: :) :)

Thanks

[Guest jamongo]

"Quality", ladies and gentlemen, "quality".

 

A man was in a terrible accident and was wrapped in bandages with tubes in his arms and mouth.

A pretty young nurse's aid was sponging his face when he said,

"Are my testicles black?"

This, of course, embarrassed her greatly and she chose to ignore him.

He said again,

"Are my testicles black?"

Well, the young nurse backed away from the bed with a stunned look, just as the grizzily old 230 pound head nurse walked by. Seeing something amiss, she entered the room and roared out,

"What's wrong in here?"

The man said,

"Are my testicles black?"

The head nurse, without a moment's hesitation, pulled off the covers, lifted up his gown, spread his legs and carefully checked his privates.

Before she could say anything, the man then ripped the tubes out of his mouth, pulled the bandages off hie face, and yelled,

"Are my test results back?"

[Guest jamongo]

Woman walks into pharmacy and asks for some cyanide. Pharmacist asks her why. She says she is going to poison her husband because he is cheating on her. Pharmacist says, "I can't do that lady. We will both go to jail." She pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife . He takes the picture, studies it for a minute then looks at her and say, " Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription."