Michaelangelica Posted July 3, 2006 Report Share Posted July 3, 2006 Subject: The French woman just sniffed The train was crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I please have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am, I'm very tired... may I sit down?" She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also incredibly arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Do something to put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road - and now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronthepon Posted July 3, 2006 Report Share Posted July 3, 2006 A man not very well versed in english was boarding a train with his son. Upon reaching his reserved berth, he found a big and muscular woman sitting on his son's reserved seat. "Please give berth to my son" He said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boerseun Posted July 4, 2006 Report Share Posted July 4, 2006 Neighbour to little girl: "Hi, Suzie - why are you digging a hole in your mother's flowerbed?"Little girl: "*Sob* - My goldfish died!"Neighbour: "Haha, you silly girl, that hole is waaay to big for a goldfish!"Little girl: "It's because he's inside your f*ckin' cat, *******!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michaelangelica Posted July 4, 2006 Report Share Posted July 4, 2006 A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch member, 3 pound left testicle,3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says,"I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me, I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Turner Brown...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn Around!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turtle Posted July 5, 2006 Report Share Posted July 5, 2006 A guy comes into a bar with a duck & sets it on the stool next to him. "Hey", said the bartender, "you can't come in here with that pig!" The guy says, "that's not a pig, that's a duck!" Bartender says, " I was talking to the duck.":hyper: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turtle Posted July 5, 2006 Report Share Posted July 5, 2006 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A: A stick. :hyper: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michaelangelica Posted July 5, 2006 Report Share Posted July 5, 2006 A ageist jokeSoon to be outlawed A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"she asks.>> "No, I can remember it.">> "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because>> you know you'll forget it.">> He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with>> strawberries.">> "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd>> better write it down!" she retorts.>> Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember>> it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,>> for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.>> After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his>> wife a plate of bacon and eggs.>> She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctus Posted July 6, 2006 Report Share Posted July 6, 2006 Usually noone finds this joke ever funny, but I love it and I gues those who like maths like it as well: An exponential and a constant were walking along a street whe suddenly they see a derivation. The exponential says "shall we go greeting her?"constant: "no, I don't want to get annihilated"exponential:"I'll go on my own then...." The exponential walks over to the derivation and says all happily "hi, I'm the exponential of x".The derivation answers even more happily "and I'm aderivation of y" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paigetheoracle Posted July 9, 2006 Report Share Posted July 9, 2006 Medical/philosophical question: If you have sex with your clone, are you gay, or masturbating? I don't know, now leave me a clone and get out of here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paigetheoracle Posted July 9, 2006 Report Share Posted July 9, 2006 I've got a bad back at the moment, so it was good to laugh at so many sharp ideas! Why did the chicken cross the road?'Coz the coward didn't have the guts to walk passed me! What do you get if you cross a railway line with a tortoise?Hit by a train "What do you make of this gigantic footprint Watson?""Search me Holmes!""I'll give you a clue. Notice the tartan pattern on the sole"" - you don't mean""Yes Watson,old chum - this was made by a member of the ancient Caledonian race!""Great Scot, a great Scot!" Sir Bob Geldorf was asked why hunting should be banned"The answer is obvious, for fox sake!" "Where are you going on holiday Dave?""Narnia, what do you mean Narnia?""Narnia your bloody business is it?" Rolf Harris was asked what he thought was the best thing about his portrait of the queen?He said "I don't know really?" then he hummed and he hahed, and he hummed and he hahed. A dalek got a job in a health spa and was asked on its first day what it knew about skin?"I- can- fry- it- to- a- crisp!""Excellent - here's your first customer!""Exfoliate, exfoliate!" Do retired Gynaecologists like to keep their hand in? Become a professional body piercer today - join the army and get some bayonet practice in Scottish murder website @GlasgowKnifemare /- (That's forward slash, backward slash, sidewards slash) 'Hey Cilla, how did you think of our truck fest?''It was a lorra, lorra, lorries; Laurie' I'm so confused by political correctness, that I can't tell Wright from Wong. I thought that the Gaza Strip was what Wayne Rooney wore at football matches, until I tried Smirnoff (showing my age now) The trouble with wedding cake is that it always ends up in tiers What does a well off cannibal feed his dog? His pedigree chum. Just before he died, Peter Sellers was bitten on the neck by a vampire. Professor Van Helsing, hearing of this, immediately rushed to his graveside, Digging open the casket, he opened up the lid, when a voice piped up inside"Is that you Spike?""Well, sort of" Thud! 'Hey little girl, do you want to see my Willy?''Oh yes please!''Willy!''Yes Dad?''There's a little girl to see you!' Ashburgers Syndrome - idiot who should never be left alone with a barbie Has a woman giving a Frenchman a blow job, got a frog in her throat? Don't play cards with a pair of big cats - one will always be lion and the other's bound to be a cheetah The reason GW's speechmaking has improved of late is that his dad sent to Guantanamo Bay for electrocution lessons If you're a turkey at Christmas, you're plucked! :( Sad Chris Moss - :eek_big: Happy Chris Moss! 'Is it snowing outside?''No mine Feuhrer - it's hail Hitler!" Slogans: - I'm keeping up a brave front, considering what's going on behind my back! Only a fool who's fooling himself, can fool another fool! I have nothing to say but that I have nothing to say (and I can see no point in telling you that there is no point in telling you this) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michaelangelica Posted July 10, 2006 Report Share Posted July 10, 2006 A dalek got a job in a health spa and was asked on its first day what it knew about skin?"I- can- fry- it- to- a- crisp!""Excellent - here's your first customer!""Exfoliate, exfoliate!":) The new Dr Who is cool! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronthepon Posted July 10, 2006 Report Share Posted July 10, 2006 :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paigetheoracle Posted July 11, 2006 Report Share Posted July 11, 2006 Never mind the quality - read the filth! What do you say if a gunman bursts into your house - shoots your mother, shoots your father and then shoots you?'Ma! Pa! Ouch!' What do you say if a gunman bursts into your house and shoots your mother, your father then ET?'Ma! Pa! Ouch!' 'Why are you shooting at my feet Marshall?''I like to see scum dancing' I love Groundhog Day - I could watch it again and again, and again... What do most people not like seeing on their toast?Middle age spread Frankenstein is a man after my own heart! Life is like Frankensteins Monster chasing the Wolfman - it's just one damned thing after another So Mr Michelinman you're leaving after all this time? Well I hope you have a Goodyear when you retyre Message from the reindeers 'Don't feed the driver because Santa Claws' A father and son are arguing'I fought two world wars for you, you ungrateful sod!''Yeh, and you lost them both' Women have a soft spot for men - it's between their legs.Men have a soft spot for women - it's between their ears. The Dave Series 'When I said give Jimmy Johnson both barrels Dave, I meant of the beer he'd ordered' 'When I said deck the halls Dave, I meant decorate the place, not beat the **** out of Phil and Jane' 'What have I told you about smoking fish Dave? Not while at work, now stub it out and do what I pay you for.' Films that never got made 'I Spit on your Gravy!' - A sordid tale of a chefs revenge 'Dead on a Rival' - Husband having heartattack when he catches his wife with her lover 'Dracula, prints of Darkness' - More holiday snaps ruined by incompetent developers 'A Womb with a View' - A Gynaecologist on a busmans holiday 'What's Doug got to do with it?' - Fight between Ike and Tina Turner 'Planet of the Grapes' - Follow up to 'Attack of the Tomato Men' 'And then there were some' - The cowardly remake of an Agatha Christie film by a squeamish director 'Whoops Apocalypso!'/'Apocalypso now' - Jamaican remakes of more famous films Names Just because my name is Matt, doesn't mean you can walk all over me Just because my name is Stew, doesn't mean I'm going to let you bite my dumplings Just because my name's Eve, doesn't mean I was born yesterday Just because my name's David, doesn't mean I've got Goliath in my trousers A hand is better than a womanbecause it never gets a headachenever threatens to go back to its mothernever gets a periodnever gets pregnantnever gives you the clapnever sues you for alimonynever berates your performancenever expects flowers or chocolatesnever cares that you go out drinking with your matesnever locks you out after an argumentnever wants to move to Sacrementoetc A hand is better than a manbecause it doesn't go to sleep afterwardsand will make you a cup of teadoesn't slobber all over you when drunkdoesn't sleep with another woman then lie about itdoesn't give you the clapdoesn't go in the other room when you start crying about the death of Bambidoesn't ignore all your friends, except the ones he wants to sleep withdoesn't wake you in the middle of the night for it, when you've got to go to work in the morningdoesn't smell like an open seweretc. Ditties Men stink, drink and thinkWomen scheme, scream and dream Robin Hood, Robin Hood Robin Hood,Robin Hood Riding through the glen Riding through the glenRobin Hood, Robin Hood Robin Hood, Robin Hoodpursued by his men With his band of men- he stole all their money Feared by the goodand they didn't find it funny! Loved by the bad!Robbing Hood, Robbing Hood Robin's Mad, Robin's madRobbing Hood... Robin's mad...... Roses are red Roses are redViolets are blue Violets are blueMine are Green Mine are pink Because they fell in the stew Are yours too? Roses are redViolence is blueIf you don't shut upI'm going to strangle you! That's Al Fawks! (Brother of a well known political figure, who wouldn't stand for Parliament) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boerseun Posted July 11, 2006 Report Share Posted July 11, 2006 An old man of 93 was told by his doctor that sex with his 19-year old fiancee could be fatal. "Bugger that," he said. "If she dies, she dies." Turtle 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michaelangelica Posted July 12, 2006 Report Share Posted July 12, 2006 the results of the Bulwer-Lytton worst-first-sentence-ever contest are in!Check out this sitehttp://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2006.htm a sampleWinner: Vile PunsAs Johann looked out across the verdant Iowa River valley, and beyond to the low hills capped by the massive refrigerator manufacturing plant, he reminisced on the history of the great enterprise from its early days, when he and three other young men, all of differing backgrounds, had only their dream of bringing refrigeration to America's heartland to sustain them, to the present day, where they had become the Midwest's foremost group of refrigerator magnates. Dick DavisCircle Pines, MN Runner-Up:Herr Professor Doktor Weiss' reputation was made when he conclusively proved the fraudulency of the Mayan codex that claimed to show that that ancient people knew the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter to an exactitude unknown until modern times, in his article, "Bye, Bye, Mesoamerican Pi." John L. DrostBarboursville, WV. Turtle 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFaithfulStone Posted July 12, 2006 Report Share Posted July 12, 2006 Life is like Frankensteins Monster chasing the Wolfman - it's just one damned thing after another Life is not one damned thing after another, it's one damned thing over and over. With apologies to Edna St. Vincent-Millay. TFS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paigetheoracle Posted July 12, 2006 Report Share Posted July 12, 2006 Life is not one damned thing after another, it's one damned thing over and over. With apologies to Edna St. Vincent-Millay. TFS Okay have it your own way - life at Bugger King! (Uh, huh oh yeh, I'm all shook up!):thumbs_up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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