Parenting

[TheBigDog]

Okay... question.

 

My girlfriend's daughter (she's almost 8... 1st grade -- the daughter, not the girlfriend smartass :cocktail:) has been acting up in school, and it's pretty likely that she needs to spend more time with her mom... getting that "one-on-one" attention. She has siblings too, so is always competing for the attentional resources around her.

 

So, how do we avoid rewarding her for her poor behavior at school while also ensuring she actually gets the time with her mom she needs so much?

 

My concern is that if the mom spends time with her now, she'll repeat the bad behavior because it was positively reinforced... You can tell her it's wrong until you're blue in the face :beer: , but she'll remember "I acted up and got to spend time with mommy."

Giving time to all the kids is a balancing act. You need to work hard at it. I let my children know that life is simply not fair, and no amount of complaining about that will change it. But I do try and keep score so that they all have opportunity for a moment in the sun - nobody is always left out, and nobody always loses. And I try and do this as secretly as I can so that none are thinking that I am playing favorites - even though sometimes I am. I also use running errands as an excuse to spend one on one time with the kids. I pick someone to ride along, sometimes against their will becasue they may have other plans, to spend some time alone with each of them.

 

I try and do things as a group at least once a day. And while in that group I make a concious effort to acknowledge everyone individually. If its dinner, or a board game, or what have you. Recognize something good about everyone in front of everybody. Joke with everyone. Be silly, but be in charge. Show interest in their life, and ask for their opinion about things. Even the little ones who don't give good answers yet get their turn to talk, and everyone stops to listen.

 

Bill

[IrishEyes]

I have much more to say on tis topic... (I can hear the collective moan now!), but for now I'd like to say that the best parenting advice I got, and give, is to eat at least one meal together as a family, preferably one that you have all had a hand in preparing, and then clean up after that meal together.

It never ceases to amaze me how much this simple interaction means to my children. It gives them a chance to help do something for the whole family (cooking,setting the table,making tea or coffee,pouring drinks). It gives them a chance to be in a social setting (We allow and encourage much talking and interaction). It is an excellent opportunity to show good manners (we stress 'please' and 'thank you' when passing food, etc). We each have a day during the week when we pray (even the 4 year old says the prayer one day). We ask each other questions. We tell Dad (nemo) all about our day. We generally get a bit crazy. Then we all work together to clean up the mess, and put things back the way we were. It's teamwork at its best.

Of course, the fact that there are 6 little people in my home may have something to do with this being so momumentally important around our house. But I have to tell you, it's one piece of advice that I took, one that I keep, and one that I gladly share with people when they ask for 'just one parenting tip'.

Bon apetit!

[TheBigDog]

I have much more to say on tis topic... (I can hear the collective moan now!)

I look forward to it Irish. For me this is the most important thread in Hypography.

 

Bill

[TheBigDog]

This is a tale of #3. 9 years old. I couldn't love anyone in the world more than I do him. He has given me some of my fondest memories, and I am daily in awe of his capacity to see the world both clearly, and differently than I do.

 

But he has a nervous habit that is driving me (and the whole house) nuts. He runs. He runs and runs and runs. Back and forth across the room when he gets excited. And he literally bounces off the walls as he does this. Catching himself with both hands and pushing off to launch himself at the opposite wall. If he is watching a television program that is exciting he goes into motion. If he is playing a game, and it gets exciting, he goes into motion. It is starting to drive everyone in the house completely nuts. The thing is this is not hyperactivity. It is an anxiety thing. We live across the street from a little league field, so I was having him go out and run around the field to try and burn off energy. But is doesn't really help, because the running is emotionally, not physically driven. He says he runs because he is really excited. If I remind him not to run he immediately stops. But starts again unconsciously within a couple of minutes. If I could put him on a treadmill and play Pokémon videos I could push power back into the grid.

 

I am trying to come up with a creative way to have him channel this energy into something that is well, not looking like he is nuts. Anyone ever deal with anything like this?

 

Bill

[Racoon]

My Older Brothers Kid , my Nephew, has ADD. :hyper:

But I see this different.

 

Channeling it into Cross Country, Running, or Sports would be great! probably best.

 

He's Young and full of Fire BigDog!

Its probably annoying as hell, :hyper: but let your Love be patient with it. Even ignore it until He eventually tires and/or gets bored.

I say learn to ignore it. He'll grow out of it when he Matures.

Iffin' you can't channel it.

Perhaps it is an attempt to get even more attention from you.

Kids that age can't get enough.

[CraigD]

This is a tale of #3. 9 years old...

I discussed the behavior you describe with a few people I know with child psychology and special education experience.

 

They all say it should be treated as with any unconscious behavior (eg: nose picking or thumb sucking), using an this approach:

1. Baseline – measure and document your son’s behavior
   • Define exactly what it is. Is there an area (eg: outside, a play room) where running and wall-bouncing is OK? Is it OK for him to pace at a walking speed?
     
   • How often does it occur (divide the “sessions” that you or another caregiver is with your son into appropriate intervals, such as 5 minutes, and record for each interval if he shows the behavor)
     
   • How long does it persist
     
   • Under what conditions does it occur (eg: watching TV)

Without baseline data, it’s hard to know if the behavior is increasing or decreasing over time.

During baselining – a couple days to a week - try not to influence of effect the behavior, unless necessary for his or other’s safety.

[*]Observe and document – using the same time intervals you used in your baseline, record when the behavior occurs.

[*]Remind – whenever the behavior occurs, tell him. Always use the same words and tone of voice – eg: “you’re running inside. You need to stop.” Avoid extra discussion, questions, or any display of annoyance, disapproval, or anger. Don’t use the phrase for other behaviors, eg: fidgeting, running outside.

[*]Show – if he doesn’t respond to the verbal reminder, in as gentle a way as possible, physically restrain him, showing him precisely what he should do when reminded. From your description, this step doesn’t sound as if it will be needed.

[*]Reinforce – when he doesn’t show the behavior for one or more intervals, reward him. Always tell him why –eg: “you’re doing a good job not running inside!”

What to use as a reward varies a lot depending on the age and personality of the child. For some, food rewards such as grapes work wells. For others, stickers, either on a board or on their clothing, or washable magic marker on their hands, works well. For a bright 9-year-old such as your son, my guess would be praise works best. It might also be effective to share the behavior data with him – eg: have him total occurrences by day and graph it on paper or a computer.

This is how the pros do it, and they get good results with dozens of kids, nearly all with language difficulties and many with bad home environments that seem to each day undo all the work accomplished in school. With a bright kid in a good home with a high kid-to-caregiver ratio, b-mod should work even better. Although it may at first glance seem cold and mechanical, it doesn’t in practice feel that way.

 

It couldn’t hurt to discuss this with a teacher, but be wary, as many even seeming talented teachers are, in my and my educator friends experience, not very good at handling such behaviors, and may have forgotten anything they learned in school about them.

 

Good luck – though it sounds as if you won’t need luck, just sound technique.

[Cedars]

I discussed the behavior you describe with a few people I know with child psychology and special education experience.

 

Good post CraigD.

 

I would add that after documenting, if you do see a clear pattern such as 35 minutes into movies/game the behavior begins, you may want to try to stop the game, movie, etc right before this point and take a 5/10 minute intermission and focus on something else. Whether its putting away dishes, or letting the dog out or something else. Then pick up where you left off and see if this impacts the behavior.

[TheBigDog]

Good luck – though it sounds as if you won’t need luck, just sound technique.

Thanks so much for the very thoughtful post Craig. I can see a couple of areas where I need too improve my behavior to best help out #3. Probably the biggest bit being to aknowledge when he is not running, or when he stops when reminded and doesn't start again.

 

Again, very much appreciated. :hyper:

 

Bill