Quality Jokes and Humor

[freeztar]

:hihi:

[DougF]

"Good one Moontanman"

 

A good friend sent this to me and I thought I would share, Enjoy ;-) :naughty:

 

 

Subject: Fwd: Interesting Tidbit

 

 

 

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way

computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo

(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the

auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the

computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000

miles to the gallon.'

 

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release

stating:

 

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving

cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........

 

Twice a day.

 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy

a new car.

 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You

would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,

shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could

continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause

your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have

to reinstall the engine.

 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,

five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only

five percent of the roads.

 

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be

replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation'

warning light.

 

I love the next one!!!

 

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out

and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,

turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how

to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in

the same manner as the old car.

 

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

 

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer

service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign

language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

 

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their

computer!

 

=

[Boof-head]

A man gets a call from his doctor; the Dr. has the results of some recent tests.

 

Doc: I'm afraid it isn't good news, you have inoperable cancer, and you're suffering from a form of selective amnesia."

 

Man: "That doesn't sound so bad, Doc, at least I don't have cancer, huh?"

[Moontanman]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is watching you.'

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

 

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

 

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

 

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'

 

The burglar relaxed. ' Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

 

'Moses,' replied the bird.

 

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

 

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[sanctus]

Moon, there was actually even a video going with that joke...

 

Anyway, have you ever wondered why "attached together" are 2 separated words and "separated is 1 word?

Or that the answer to "what is the part with most hair of a dog?" 'the outer one' is?

 

Some positive/negative I received a long time ago on my mail (in 2000, but never put that mail too the trash):

 

Positive: you are explaining your nine year old daughter where kids come from

Negative: she interrupts you

Too negative: she corrects you!

 

Positive: Your husband understands something about fashion.

Negative: He puts on your fashion clothes when you are not around.

Too negative: He looks better in them than you do.

 

Positive: Your wife is pregnant

Negative: They are 3 twins

Too negative: You did a vasectomy 3 years ago.

 

Positive: Your wife is not always talking to you

Negative: she wants to divorce

Too negative: She is a lawyer.

 

Positive: your son is growing up

Negative: He has a relationship with the woman next door

Too negative: you too

 

Positive: Your daughter finds work right after school

Negative: as a prostitute

too negative: many of her clients are your friends

Really too negative: she earns more than you

 

Positive: you have laughed reading this

Negative:they seem stories of people you know

Too negative: One of those people is yourself.

[DougF]

:) ;) :lol: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

 

DUE TO WORLD FINANCIAL CRISIS AND BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW OFFICE POLICY

 

 

 

 

EFFECTIVE JANUARY 20, 2009

 

NEW OFFICE POLICY

 

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to

your salary.

 

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a

Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially

and therefore do not need a raise.

 

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your

money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and

therefore you do not need a raise.

 

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need

to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

 

 

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof

of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

 

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing

you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every

effort should be made to have non-employees attend the

funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where

employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be

scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to

allow you to work through your lunch hour and

subsequently leave one hour early.

 

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.

There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the

stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will

sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall

door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your

second offense, your picture will be posted on the

company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'

category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be

sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

 

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need

to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

 

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a

balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

 

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's

all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

 

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here

to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,

frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,

allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation

and input should be directed elsewhere.

 

 

 

:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

[DougF]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying

the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "'Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[DougF]

Subject: Good Old Bob ;)

 

 

The guys were all at a deer camp.No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?"He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."The next night it was a different guy's turn.In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night!

 

 

 

 

:)

[DougF]

Dementia Quiz

 

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.

They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.

To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time , but instead, answer each of them immediately .

 

OK?

 

 

 

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

 

 

.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's )

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First Question :

 

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!

 

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

 

 

Second Question :

I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?

(scroll down)

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ; ; ;WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??

 

 

You're not very good at this, are you?

 

 

 

 

Third Question :

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

Try it.

 

 

 

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?

 

 

Scroll down for the correct answer.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you get 5000 ?

 

The correct answer is actually 4100 .

 

 

 

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it ?

 

Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe...

 

 

 

Fourth Question :

 

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!

 

 

Okay, now the Bonus round,

i.e., a final chance to

redeem yourself:

 

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's really very simple

He opens his mouth and ask for it...

Does your employer actually pay you to think??

If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!

 

 

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE

SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

Have a nice day, one and all.

 

 

:)

[freeztar]

Dementia Quiz

Thanks for making me feel retarded. :)

 

Good one. :doh:

[DougF]

:doh: Don't sweet it freeztar I jumped in that boat first. ;) but thanks for making me feel right at home. :)

[Moontanman]

I got em all right :shrug:

[Moontanman]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the 2008 Olympics that they would like to take back:

 

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.' [The snatch is one of the two current Olympic Weightlifting events (the other being the clean and jerk).]

 

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.' [Dressage is a type of horse training.]

 

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

 

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

 

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

 

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

 

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.' [in a crew, the coxswain (or simply the cox) is the member who sits in the stern.]

 

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

 

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

[Thunderbird]

Meaning of Potentially and realistically

 

 

 

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,

 

"Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

 

The father thought for a moment, then answered,

 

"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

 

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

 

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

 

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

 

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

 

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

 

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

 

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between

'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

 

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."

[Moontanman]

Doctor visit

OLD people have problems that some haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm

count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar

and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample

tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the

doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty

as on the previous day..

 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like

this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my

left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help.. She tried with

her right hand, then with her left, still nothing..

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,

still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried

too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried

 

squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

 

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied,

 

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Moontanman]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right.. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[Pyrotex]

Two Texan outdoorsmen were sipping beers in a Texan saloon, discussing sex.

One of them asks the other, "Red, can you say what yer favorite sex position is?"

Red thinks about this and says, "Jake, that would have to be the Rodeo Bronco position."

Jake looks askance for a moment. "Red, I've never heard of this here Rodeo Bronco position. Yer gonna hafta describe it to me."

Red takes a big pull on his beer and wipes his mouth with the sleeve of his flannel shirt.

"Jake, you start by gettin yer wife to get down on her hands and knees. Then you mount her from behind. You reach under and get a firm grip on her titties. Then you whisper in her ear, 'Damn, they feel just like yer sister's.' Then you hang on for eight seconds."