# Bullying. Any ideas on how to stop it?

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### #35 Michaelangelica

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Posted 19 June 2009 - 02:21 AM

School bully victim David Gregory gets $468,000 compensation Article from: The Daily Telegraph By Larissa Cummings June 19, 2009 05:50pm A MAN who claims his high school teachers turned a blind eye while he was violently bullied and harrassed by classmates has been awarded almost half a million dollars in damages from the State Government.(+ costs =$1 mil)

David Gregory, 30, claims he was subjected to "consistent and systematic bullying" during his six years as a student at Farrer Memorial Agricultural High School in Tamworth in the early to mid 90's.

The former boarding school dormitory master, who was in court with his family to hear the Supreme Court judgement in his favour, says the bullying made him agoraphobic, obsessive-compulsive and unable to hold down a job.

School bully victim David Gregory gets $468,000 compensation | The Daily Telegraph We might have some N.S.W. Government educationalists looking up the links in this thread over the next little while? David Gregory sued the state of New South Wales after suffering years of humiliation and bullying while attending Farrer Agricultural High School in the state's north. Justice Elizabeth Fullerton handed down a 112-page judgment awarding Mr Gregory$468,736 for economic losses and future loss of earnings.
Future therapeutic costs must also be agreed upon, she said.

So, $1mil + Psychiatrist and/or psychologist at$150 and hour for evermore=$?. ) Bully victim awarded more than$450k | National News | News.com.au

### #36 Moontanman

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Posted 23 June 2009 - 07:01 AM

An interesting possibility.....

Beating The Bullies: Changing Real-world Behavior Through Virtual Experience
ScienceDaily (June 23, 2009) — Social problems like bullying and stereotyping involve thoughts, feelings and reactions that resist change. New research shows that when students play active roles in virtual dramas their attitudes and behaviour can change.

Beating The Bullies: Changing Real-world Behavior Through Virtual Experience
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### #37 Kriminal99

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Posted 23 June 2009 - 05:31 PM

Question... How do they define "delusional" in Britain? Because I could easily imagine a situation where they call anyone who deviates from social norms "delusional" in a country that isn't as much of a melting pot as the US is.

I ask because people who are bullied and react by categorizing the offending behavior as wrong may be more likely to develop a strong system of morals and beliefs that would hold priority to them over just social norms. Such people are often called delusional, arrogant etc. Other times they are called heroes, geniuses etc.

If it happened to my kid, I would teach him whatever he needed to know to stand up for himself. If he was too scared, I would take him outside and shake him and push him around a bit while saying things that were obviously wrong or hypocritical until he learned to not be so afraid.

### #38 pamela

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Posted 23 June 2009 - 05:48 PM

If it happened to my kid, I would teach him whatever he needed to know to stand up for himself. If he was too scared, I would take him outside and shake him and push him around a bit while saying things that were obviously wrong or hypocritical until he learned to not be so afraid.

yikes krim!!
you may end up teaching him to have issues with authority as well;)

### #39 Michaelangelica

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Posted 23 June 2009 - 07:44 PM

Question... How do they define "delusional" in Britain? Because I could easily imagine a situation where they call anyone who deviates from social norms "delusional" in a country that isn't as much of a melting pot as the US is. .

I think many, if not most, countries are "melting pots" these days, especially GB and Australia.
How does that make a diffence?

Your approach is do as I say, not as I do?

### #40 Kriminal99

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Posted 24 June 2009 - 08:01 AM

The idea is to teach the kid self reliance and to not fear bodily harm or death. Fear of such things has to do with a belief that the person or thing harming you might be justified in some way. If you realize that the source of the "threat" is not justified in any way and is just a random expression of nature or a game then you stop being afraid and just find a way to overcome it.

The whole point is to teach the kid to disregard false authority... to not submit to anyone who does not have truth on their side. The bully falls into this category just as much as say an ignorant teacher who attempts to use their position to punish anyone who disagrees with them. However I wouldn't persist in this behavior so that he would not be bitter and/or paranoid towards legitimate sources of authority in the long run.

The only way you could even get the kid to accept all social structure authority (false or legitimate) and reject the bully's behavior is to teach him that he must depend on having friends for strength and justification. IMO this just creates a weak and impressionable person in general - and opens the door to other issues like a "charismatic" (read: metaphor spewing bs'er) leader leading his social circle in the wrong direction.

### #41 Zach Neptune

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Posted 23 July 2009 - 05:25 PM

What an excellent thread! It really illustrates that good people of conscience can see the same facts and reach totally opposite conclusions – and that intelligence is meaningless when dealing with emotional issues.

I’ll try to be concise.
• Bullying and “social hierarchies” are common in the animal kingdom. Like it or not, its programmed into human nature. No amount of anti-bully policies, anti-bully legislation, or anti-bully rallies will alter that.
• School sponsored anti-bully programs do not work. Every major meta-analysis reveals no discernable positive effect, and sometimes they make the situation worse.
• Pacifism and acquiescence are preached by people who abdicate their own duty of self-defense and demand that other people must protect them. These are cowardly philosophies that do not work in the real world.
• There IS a distinction between unprovoked aggression and self-defense.
• “Force” is a tool. The misuse of a tool is not an argument against its proper use.
• “Hope” and “Luck” are not a plan of action. “I’ve been lucky so far, I hope nothing bad happens to me” is wishful thinking at its worst.
• Bullies choose their targets based on a number of subtle signals. If the target ‘broadcasts’ different signals, a bully picks a different target.
• It’s a PARENTS responsibility to prepare their kid to face the world and its challenges. It’s not the job of cops, teachers, administrators or politicians.

I’d like to recommend an excellent learn-at-home program for parents and children age 5-12. It worked for our family, and it gets my strongest endorsement. The Total Bully Solution is an interdisciplinary, 3-phase approach that deals with everything from teasing to intimidation to rumors to outright violence.
Adam Blum, the guy that created the system, has an amazing track record of success. He really cares.

Bottom line- Wishing doesn’t make reality change – yes it would be nice if every day was filled with sunshine and balloons and birthday cake and puppy kisses. And if you wait for someone else to fix your child’s bullying nightmare, your child will continue to suffer.

### #42 paigetheoracle

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Posted 24 July 2009 - 03:45 AM

Interesting post above. Yes, bullies latch onto the scared and apparently the frightened give off a smell that animals are more aware of than humans but it doesn't mean we don't react to this sense even if we're not consciously aware of it. Another obvious clue to fear is the flinch reaction, which is purely visual and is used as a game in playgrounds from time immemorial. It is also visible in the eyes that want to turn away because facing is seen as challenging and in the amount of white visible. Body posture also indicates avoidance of conflict (arms forced down as opposed to folded in front of you). A relaxed rather than tense body shows lack of fear and I'm sure there are many others people can think of that send out signals that draw aggression to you or frighten it away, in the form of bullying. Others can protect you but what do you do when they are not there? You need inner resources and that means confidence in yourself. Does that mean training in self-defence? Not necessarily as true confidence repels any sign of aggression in others (males in the animal kingdom fight for dominance but once established don't need to as they keep the peace because everyone cow tows to their will. It is the collapse of ego in the old and its growth in the young, that start the struggle for power: Martial artists at the upper echelons know it is just down to intention and awareness, that maintains peace because if you're on constant alert, who can take you unawares and what dangers are you likely to fall into?).

### #43 appletrees

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Posted 01 December 2009 - 02:48 PM

I would like to add that many kids who bully use bullying primarily to replace the social skills they’re supposed to develop in grade school, middle school and high school. As defiant children go through their developmental stages, they should be finding ways of working problems out and getting along with other people. This includes learning how to read social situations, make friends, and understand their social environment.

### #44 lemit

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Posted 01 December 2009 - 07:57 PM

I would like to add that many kids who bully use bullying primarily to replace the social skills they’re supposed to develop in grade school, middle school and high school. As defiant children go through their developmental stages, they should be finding ways of working problems out and getting along with other people. This includes learning how to read social situations, make friends, and understand their social environment.

Good ideas. I'd been trying to think of the words you used. Thanks and Welcome to Hypography!

--lemit

### #45 BrianG

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Posted 02 December 2009 - 02:39 PM

Call it, that's how I deal with it. Call it like you see it, let the chips fall where they may.

### #46 lemit

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Posted 02 December 2009 - 03:21 PM

Call it, that's how I deal with it. Call it like you see it, let the chips fall where they may.

I'm sorry. I don't understand what you're saying here.

--lemit

### #47 BrianG

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Posted 02 December 2009 - 03:29 PM

I mean, if you see any bullying, say so, call it.

I might have overstepped this forum by saying let the chips fall where they may. Some people want to find a bully, that doesn't apply here. My bad.

### #48 Kriminal99

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Posted 03 March 2010 - 06:56 PM

I remember this bully when I was a kid. He punched me in the head totally randomly in the lunch line when my head was against the wall and knocked me out for a few seconds. We became good friends, and I went to his house for his birthday party. He had a giant fort made out of cardboard boxes. It was awesome. I wonder if it broke something in my head when he punched me? Like my inhibition center or something like that.

### #49 Kriminal99

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Posted 08 March 2010 - 08:04 AM

Seriously though, dealing with bullies just requires some knowledge on the part of the victim.

Any feeling of terror invoked by a bully has to do with the fear that the bully is somehow justified or that they not only would not be prevented from their actions, but that no one really cares enough to seriously try. I remember some of the thoughts that go through your head as a kid about stuff like that. If you tell adults what happened, they mildly scold the bully but then make no special effort to make sure he cannot get at you. So telling only makes it worse, because then the bully does it x2 once the adult is gone. Only after you were dead or seriously injured would the adults take serious notice, before that its just kid's stuff. So it's not surprising that this feeling of terror that the world would allow such a thing to happen to you might set in.

But the counter for this is simple. If the target understands:

A) The motivation of the bully. - In my case, the bully lived alone with his mom in a cheap run down apartment. His mom paid no special attention to what he was doing and he might have had it more together than she did. Seeing things like this makes you realize that the bully is acting out of some kind of weakness, and might even make you feel sorry for them. Also, if you didn't have a dad to take you down a notch here and there, you'd probably get pretty haughty too.

The lack of justification for his behavior - Seeing a weakness like the above makes even a kid realize that the bully's behavior is unjustified and why. The bully shouldn't lash out at you just because his home life is lacking.

B is a huge step in removing the fear. The fear comes not from the likelihood of the bully really causing serious physical harm or death in the victim, but the idea that he is somehow justified in doing so by the world by the fact that the world cannot prevent him from doing it. Once the victim realizes on their own that the bully would not be justified in his behavior even if he got away with it, the fear subsides. It creates the situation where you would fight the bully and risk personal injury because of your knowledge that their behavior is unjust.

### #50 geko

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Posted 08 March 2010 - 01:51 PM

The 1 being bullied just needs to give the biggest bully a hiding.

Detention and a slap on the wrist, but no more bullying.

### #51 paigetheoracle

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Posted 07 July 2010 - 10:41 AM

The answer isn't so much about fighting back as maintaining your ground (Staying present, no matter what life throws at you: it is not physically facing the bully that matters but facing your emotional fear of the bully). It is laughing at your fear. It is facing the possibility of violence as opposed to running away (presence is happiness - misery is running away and losing your own respect: Depression is losing your spirit and retreating inside as elation is being here still, despite everything). Force and fear go together as do openness and courage: A rock to push against or air to breathe.

fear forces - courage allows (stands in the way of no man/ stands against no man). It is letting people find out things for themselves instead of trying to ram beliefs down their throats).

It is unshakeable good humour as opposed to shakeable (brittle) ego. It is letting people believe what they want to as opposed to trying to force them to conform, to some template of perfection you have. It is a mental attitude to life, not an action. It has nothing to do with appearance (projected image) but substance (inner life). It builds confidence, not shakes your foundations as fear does (You don't hide in the dark but venture into the light). It puts you more in the world and less in your head - released through levity, not held back by gravity. It is avoiding negativity through pursuing positivism.

As examples - one of our normally very friendly dogs, ran down another dog like a terrified rabbit but over the months since that very dog has gained courage and now pursues my dog to play with as it has learned social interaction with it (play, not imbalance).

One of our other dogs bit me four times, attacked and bit our old labs ear so badly that the vet had to turn it into a cauliflower ear, to take down the swelling and preserve what was left of it. It also attacked the other dog but he was fast enough to avoid serious damage and forgave it instantly. Now it has calmed down a lot and not bit me in six months. It's nastiness was based on fear and it no longer blames (projects) as much as it did. Instead it has learned that the world isn't as dangerous a place as it believed as knowledge has replaced its fear of the unknown (science and psychology has replaced psychosis and superstition).