Posted 04 August 2008 - 07:03 PM
Posted 04 August 2008 - 10:42 PM
- No woman will wear bigger than a size 8.
- Women will find sci-fi and speaking of technical specs to be the most powerful of aphrodisiacs.
- Breasts will have a very slight strawberry flavoring.
- Hypography members will have the ability to stop time for up to one hour to contemplate their next move.
- I will bring Jesus to life and have him write a "Cliff's Notes" for the bible.
- I will grant power of intelligent design to anyone who wants to enter what they build in a televised battle to the death.
- Dogs will stop shedding on the carpet.
- I will let people trade one of their senses for x-ray vision.
- For Guadelupe Pi will = 3
- There will be a doorway to anyplace you can imagine, but everyone has to share it.
Posted 05 August 2008 - 03:13 AM
Posted 05 August 2008 - 03:17 AM
I have therefore decided to make myself eligible, and am now standing officially in this election.
Brothers and sisters, hear me now:
I will grant the power to split the sea to each and every human of sufficient gnarliness. Surf's up, brothers and sisters. Imagine that - the perfect wave, every time. Only The Blessed Bovine can arrange that for you.
I solemnly swear to sterilize each and every chihuahua on the face of this planet. The evil reign of the Beady Eyed Motherf***ers is over, brothers and sisters. Only The Blessed Bovine can follow through on this fight against evil.
I am determined to rid the planet of the scourge of Fat Chicks. I will personally arrange for human DNA to dissolve fat from tissue. The status quo is just so wrong, on so many levels, that I'm not surprised my predecessor is being booted out in this election. He kinda screwed up on that design, lemme tell ya. Only the Blessed Bovine will do this for you.
I promise to dissolve the United Nations, the European Union, the United States, the African Union, the... er, well, each and every union of every kind. Matter of fact, all countries will evaporate, all parliaments disbanded, all senators sent home. Each and every person will be the president of a country that consists of his own house. He is free to trade with any other country and to enter into treaties of any nature with any other country. He is free to declare war on his neighbouring country (pardon the pun) if he so pleases, and fights will be arranged the old-fashioned way - barebone knuckle-sandwiches to be fought between those who have the problem, not a bunch of pimply eighteen-year olds shooting at each other because a bunch of old men said so. Only the Blessed Bovine can arrange this.
Hear me, infidels: When I taketh over the reigns of the Afterlife, I will smite the following acts of sinful behaviour, and those sinners involved in these activities will be cast into the deepest, darkest pits of hell! Be warned!:
- Rap of any kind
- Bling. I mean, come on.
- Chameleons (okay, I won't smite them - I'll just fix them. My predecessor made a stuff-up of the brain/eye wiring. These bastards just freak me out, man)
- Politicians of any kind or flavour.
- Universities giving sports bursuries to dumb-*** idiots whose only achievement to date is to inflate their bodies with steroids to simian proportions
- The Home Shopping Network
- Soap Operas
- The list is a work in progress and will be updated soon.
(Also, I undertake to share the good stuff and not keep it all to myself. As of now, you will all be able to have a Second Coming.)
Bovinely Blessed be, thee.
And remember, your vote counts!
Posted 05 August 2008 - 04:40 AM
Don't listen to cows.
Posted 05 August 2008 - 04:59 AM
If you can hear a cow speak... need I say more?
Don't listen to cows.
A speaking cow is without doubt a divine bovine.
Posted 05 August 2008 - 07:50 AM
Most important! Men and Women will be equals, no more double standards! People who are in love will be able to change their physical make up to what every they want to please their love interests. Imagination will be the only limit! people who want can design their own mates to their specs! Humans will be in control of their own individual destiny!
(BTW tormod, no need for wallets under my administration!)
#1 no more speed of light speed limit.
#2 Star trek universe will be real with humanity in control of everything! Invincible Star ships for everyone!
#3 No one will want for anything, free replicators will provide for everyone. Free zero point energy to power everything.
#4 Immortality and perfect health for everyone, I'll bring everyone who ever lived and give everyone their own planet. All pets will be brought back to the owners who want them! At least one Ring World will be set up for all the extinct species and ecosystems the Earth has ever had!
#5 For those with a bigger idea of what they want to do a ring world will be set up for them.
#6 As I build other universes humanity will be allowed to help in the planning and creation!
#7 Humans will rule the universe, extreme physic powers for everyone!
all the other candidates are bush league gods at best and are just trying to imitate me and doing it poorly or are trying to threaten you into voting for them! I will never punish or threaten anyone! all things are forgiven! Come feel the love of a real god!
Hey kids, vote for me and I'll set you free!
Posted 05 August 2008 - 08:34 AM
Posted 05 August 2008 - 08:50 AM
All through history people have been talking of holy cows. There are no "holy tormods" or "holy overdogs" or "holy moontanmans". You are all deluded.
My time has come. Repent, or suffer the Righteous Rage of the Ruminant!
Posted 05 August 2008 - 09:00 AM
Sunday School Lesson: The Israelites create and worship a calf of gold while Moses is on Mt. Sinai.
Give it up, Holy Cow, it's been tried before.
Posted 05 August 2008 - 09:51 AM
My platform is simple and based on libertarian principles. I will add protections for your liberties as an individual into the laws of physics. Governments will find it impossible to tax you in order to contribute to social welfare. From there your own your own, I will let you live or die by your own making. After all, can any so called 'God' really know how to run your planet better than you do?
Posted 05 August 2008 - 10:13 AM
Others may lead thee to temptation, but only by thine own hand can ye partake of it...
Posted 05 August 2008 - 10:24 AM
Posted 05 August 2008 - 10:29 AM
A god who will let you live how you chose and makes no promises of wealth and widgets. You are the determiner of your own destiny under my absentee rule.
Posted 05 August 2008 - 11:13 AM
Elect me, and I will do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
Please explain how that is different from what you do now...