What We Ask Aliens On First Contact.

[cal]

I think this is a subject that has been terribly under-thunk, and the thunking that has been done on it has been misplaced. Its placement is so misplaced it might as well have been placed in that black void of nothingness that is the spot under the seat of your car.

 

So let's fix this. Assuming first contact hasn't already been made and assuming the stereotype of - them landing their craft on our planet and stepping out and for some reason you're the sprinkle doughnut munching jellybag that's face-to-blork with this alien - is in any way an accurate stereotype, and also assuming that they understand English (which isn't a bad assumption tbh because all they would have to do is observe us or tap into the internet for a short period of time), what do you ask? Is ask the right question? Maybe you just say something, like, "We're not all assholes, don't annihilate us plox."

 

I think that if they've safely landed and stepped (crawled, shimmied, rolled?) out of their craft and are looking/observing/smelling/sensory-observing at you, then it's safe to assume that they aren't blood-lusting resource harvesters intent on our ruin. So in that moment, even if they start talking first, you interrupt them no matter how disrespectful you think it is, and the one thing you ask to show that we are peaceful, that we can be truly intelligent in pinches, that we understand situational irony and value humor, that we have emotion and deep understanding of external emotion (empathy), and that it's even funnier because you both probably know that they already know all this, is, "Do you like Drum and Bass?"

 

This is the perfect question because no matter how different our cultures end up being, human culture has to have music, it is a core requirement and there is no other branch of music that allows such calm, passive, classical-styled melodies and chilled expression while simultaneously permitting extremely aggressive, fast-paced, and violent expression. In this sense, DnB is the greatest branch of music because it is the most variable. This thread is not just so I can gush about music, I honestly think this question is important because all Humans party, whether it be in your office cubicle or at a rave club, in your back yard or in the International Space Station, we all party and there is almost always music involved. I mean best-case scenario, they were going to ask you if you liked DnB first. Btw, even if you don't, you lie and tell them yes. I would even recommend learning how to DnB Step so you could dance with them if they have a boombox on-person.

 

But all that being said, patterned noise is incredibly important to humans, so important that I would argue that an alien species that doesn't understand patterned noise would be intrinsically hostile because of the adverse affects of poor communication. You might say, well we're all reading this now, this text isn't noise and we're doing just fine. Right, but this text is associated with noise, and as you read you also read aloud in your head what all the words sound like. What then about deaf people? Well you can't speak to deaf people can you? My point proven. But we're getting sidetracked here lol.

 

If aliens don't value art (and the patterned noise aspect of art specifically) then it's safe to assume there is little else they value that we would also end up valuing. We'd probably salvage their ship and then ignore them.

 

Also, this forum's discussion of aliens seemed very bland, sorry for the zazz.

[Turtle]

Face to blork, I would bust out these lyrics while dancing gangnam style.

 

:singer: Do your blorps hang low?

Do they wobble to and fro?

Can you tie 'em in a knot?

Can you tie 'em in a bow? :note:

Do they make a lusty clamor,

when you tap 'em with a hammer?

Can you do the double shuffle,

When your blorps hang low? :note2: :note:

 

Then if I get a chuckle I would interrupt once again and say, "but seriously; what are you doing here?" Then when it was my turn to speak again I would ask about some math, Oregon Pinot Noir's, and kites. Maybe some photography, geology, botany, and other -ogy's and -any's as come up.

 

If I don't get a chuckle, I collect/harvest them in the name of the Smithsonian Institution. If anyone knows how to make an alien laugh, they do.