Strange psychological problem with 3 voices, one like Megatron

[Resema]

I have a strange psychological issue with a childish voice, an angry voice and a mean/sadist like Megatron voice. I don’t know what my problem really is and hope someone can help me by giving tips or showing a direction to search.

 

I am now 35 years old but I have a strange psychological problem since I was 3 years old. This problem was caused when I was 3 years old when my father threw something at me and that changed something psychologically in me.

 

My father threw something at my back while I at first wasn’t aware he was behind me and that he was watching me. I only realized he was there and was keeping an eye on me all the time, when I saw a toy train in my little brothers hands and wanted it for me and tried to get it out of his hands and play with it. As soon as I grabbed it out of his hands he started to scream and immediately as he screamed I felt something thrown at my back. I suddenly realized it was my father and he had thrown the remote control at my back, he attacked me, my father attacked me. And because he threw it immediately I thought I was being watched all the time by him or anybody. I realized my father wasn’t as I till that action of his believed he was: caring, guiding, protecting and loving me. No, he was the opposite! He was begrudged, ruthless, dishonorable and mean to me. My world as I believed it till then turned upside down. It was the manner in which he threw it. He threw it very determined to hurt and attack me, he had no second-doubt to throw that at me and basically because of nothing. It didn’t make sense at all. I couldn’t understand why he did this to me. I realized my father watches me and he doesn’t want me to do anything in life. My father was against me having freedom to act as I please, doing something for myself in life, having fun*. I couldn’t believe this, and didn’t want that this happened in my life, that this was my life. Something strange happened to me then because of this: I saw totally black through my eyes (I think this is why I since then have crazy/sadist eyes).

 

The next day at the kindergarten I realized there was something wrong with me: I couldn’t behave, walk and play around anymore as I did before. And since then I also did strange things, for example: when it was my turn to drive a toy car, I didn’t but gave my turn to another kid. I don’t know why but I did. I just wasn’t able to choose for myself anymore, I still have these things and don’t know what is wrong with me and where I can go for help.

 

Now at age 35 I have some very strange manifestations which I think are connected to this mistreatment (I describe these at manif.).

 

(*=now I can say that that was a good judgement at that time because in my life my father treated me very unfair, he was against me, against me having and doing anything. He didn’t even let me speak, he picked on me and treated me as a black sheep. He saw an excuse in everything to hit me or to belittle me. I think he had a bad childhood with poverty and mistreatment and that’s why he was like a psychopath.)

 

manif.: I somewhere and somehow still am and feel like a child of age 3 or something. The child I was, they way I felt when I was 3. I want to play, do stuff, and am very surprised and happy when I saw the nice princess in the fairy tale movie Enchanted.

That the child I was or wanted to be is still in me even my physiological body is now 35 years old. And perhaps that I had a deal with me or a wish to continue my life again when this is possible.

And from pictures of me at age 4 I can see I had a specific sad and unhappy look on my face (after the incident) and I know how I felt then and basically still feel that way. Now at age 35 I still have that exact expression on my face (like a unhappy kid) when I come in touch with my feelings. So I think I’m still that unhappy kid.

 

I also think and express myself in different kind of voices. I think these are my voices because I say, think and feel them myself, they come from my experiences, thoughts and feelings. But they are in 3 different kinds.

One as me being the young child of age 3 (will call this voice childish voice), one as an angry, revengeful voice (will call this voice angry/false voice) and one I think is the extreme of the angry/false voice: a very loud, angry, sadist, mean voice which sounds like a combination of the voice of the possessed Exorcist girl tied on her bed and the voice of Megatron (from Transformers) (sadist but not because he’s really bad but because he’s been betrayed by his own kind, and now wants to get back at them, who will not accept to be treated that way and will fight them also in the same evil way as they did (will call this voice sadist Megatron .

I say out loud and think in these three different kind of voices usually after each other in many different but sort of similar sentences. Like these ones:

- I am somewhat crying or have to cry (i.e. have to cry very badly but I can’t; I think this is the basic part of my problem and the crazy eyes are let’s say ‘above’ this or helping me not to feel more pain than I already do) as a young child of 3 and at the same time I squeeze my fist extremely hard out of anger or rage and say with a childish voice: ‘dad I don’t want, I don’t want, I have nothing, go away’ followed by this angry/false voice: ‘I’m going to get you, kill you’

 

- I have to cry as a child (exactly the way I did when I was 3 and also my face expression is exactly that of when I was 3 years old) but can’t really (I think this is a crucial part of my problem, from now on will call this snik3x) + at the same time out of anger I knit my fist very hard+ I say:’dad I don’t want, I don’t want + with angry voice I say:’ I’m going to get you, kill you, ha ha ha ha ha (evil laugh (from now on will refer to this evil laugh as ha5x) just good for you, I hate people’

- angry/false voice: fock people I’m going to get them anyway, dad I’m going to get you anyway, fock people +panic+crazy eyes+ **** you middle finger (this happened when I closed my curtains in front of the neighbor living on the other side of the street, I think it’s because I was visible to her and others, or I was ‘among’ others, but I became super paranoia, I felt super uncomfortable+ ‘suckers! Go away dad **** you dad **** you’+fear, sadness, anger, disbelief, like needing to cry and stamping my feet real quick exactly as does an angry or upset child)

- childish voice: ‘daddy snik3x why?? I have nothing Go away’

- childish voice: ‘then I won’t love them, daddy (somewhat crying) and I won’t love you daddy (again somewhat crying from the belly area), and I won’t love them.’ angry/false voice: I’m going to get them you know, dad you know it+ biting my lip out of fury+ stamping my foot on the floor very hard+’ damn them dishonorful I’m going to get them ha5x’

 

- sadist Megatron voice (very hard): ‘ha5x’ angry/false voice: ‘and I won’t love them bamm (stamping my feet very hard on the floor as if I’m giving them or someone a very hard merciless kick) go away!’

- ‘I wanted everything too dad go away’ ‘I am also allowed suckers’+ nose nose(nose nose =fast breathing through my nose out of blind), I am also allowed+ snik3x

- ‘I’m gonna kill dad go away just go away I’m gonna kill dad’+ squeezing my fist extremely hard+underneath all this=’snik3x I don’t wannaa’ (that people or my dad acts this way towards me (I think) or that my life is like this or that I’m not allowed by him or people to have fun in my life, or I don’t want to have a life like this)

- ‘just good for you dad just good for you’+middle finger (middle finger=doing ‘**** you’ with my middle finger towards people)

- ‘daddy go away I have nothing but I wanted too (to have things, do things, have fun in life, enjoy in life) sucker

 

- sadist Megatron voice: ‘ha5x’ childish voice: ‘I won’t love you dad I won’t love you’ angry/false voice: ‘ha5x just good for you’

- childish voice: ‘And I don’t love them, they don’t take care of me, don’t take responsibility towards me’ angry/false voice:’I know, fock it’

- ‘aaaaah my dad is fake’ angry/false voice:’I know he is fake’

 

- ‘dare to say something !(=angry but maybe also my childish voice; I think this is also a core of my problem; I say it especially often when I’m outside and have to drive or cycle past people) I haven’t got anything+biting my lip out of rage+ snik3x daddy go away’

- childish voice: ‘Yeah but I want too’ angry/false voice:’ Yes, exactly I want too but I don’t get (any). That is the problem and that’s why I’m gonna get them. Just good for them.’

 

I think this has also to do with my problem: Even if I walk a feet behind the slightly transparant vitrage/curtains in my room so there is the possibility that my neighbours across the street can see me, I say during walking there: ‘Suckers’. And I do frequently search for spaces where no one can see me, like between the wall and closet, out of sight from across the street. All the mentioned things like middle finger and crazy eyes (= having crazy eyes like feeling very threatened and vulnerable and can and want to do anything violent to people) happen when I am visible across the street to others. Because of this I can’t do things for myself in public; because of this I always ran to school instead of walking on the street.

And when I am walking on the street I can’t look at people, I have crazy eyes all the time and feel these strong rage. So I look down.

And when I am in my car and drive past people on the street I also have crazy eyes and hold my middle finger towards them somewhere they can’t easily see it.

And I’m also very frightened: if someone would have laid his hand on my shoulder without me seeing it coming it will scare me and I will automatically counter-attack even I don’t know what has exactly happened.

 

I also have sort of dialogs with myself/between these different voices of mine: When I ask a question another voice in me answers it. Like:

- childish voice: ‘how come I don’t have anything then?, that’s not right’ and automatically my angry/false voice says: ‘because they (others or human beings in general) are dishonorable, fock it’

- 1. Voice, childish voice: ‘dad me too’ 2. Voice, angry/false voice: ‘ I have nothing anyway’ I first ‘heard’ the 1. Voice in the left side of my brain and after 0.2 seconds ‘heard’ the 2. Voice in the right side of my brain. This was the first and last time that I ‘heard’/thought these voices from the left and right side so very clear.

- childish voice: ‘me too dad me too’ angry/false voice:’ha5x’ (sort of a reaction as that I won’t love them people in turn)

- childish voice:’I wasn’t allowed to do anything’ ‘I know, I hate people’

- ‘I hate people you know right? fock it’

- ‘snik3x I’ll never love people, you hurt me, I don’t want anymore snik3x’ ‘I am not allowed, fock people, this is what I will do to people (showing my fist to hurt them very much)’

- childish voice: ‘I cannot live like this, go away dad go away’

- childish voice: ‘they did very unjustly to me’ angry/false voice:’ I know’

- childish voice: ‘ and I won’t love you, good for you’ angry/false voice:’Yes man, fock him’ (I don’t feel at home, safe, appreciated or accepted. No, just the opposite, I feel unwanted, not equal, they accuse me and treat me ruthlessly and take no consideration of me or my feelings. And I don’t want that. That makes me panicking and paranoia and I say:”I hate people” (because of what my father and brother treated me like)

 

- Some relatives called spontaneously and asked me how I was but I couldn’t really talk because I felt very strong emotions and thought some of the voices like:’ And I will kill them dad!! Suckers’+middle finger (this happens all the time when people do nice to me or are interested in me) ‘I’m going to get them all you’ll see ha5x just good for them ha5x you’ll see I’m going to kill them all’+crazy eyes ‘Then I won’t love them sucker’ angry/false voice: ‘I hate people anyway so **** it’ ‘right?!’+ spanning my feet as an angry child ‘and I will kill you, you will see’ ‘I’m going to get them all suckers’ sadist Megatron: ‘go awaaay!’

 

More sentences by sadist Megatron:

- sadist Megatron: ‘I wanted too sucker I’m going to get them’

- sadist Megatron: ‘xx (name of my nephew) you too? Sucker (that he also didn’t respected my freedom to do things for myself or belittled me) I want too ha5x’

- sadist Megatron: ‘fock people ha5x suckers’+middle finger+crazy eyes+ ‘I have nothing’ (when I sat behind my PC and looked across the street to see if my neighbours could see me through the transparent curtains)

- sadist Megatron:’ha5x I won’t love them suckers’

 

And at the end in the movie ‘Jane Eyre’ Jane Eyre says to Mr. Rochester:’As long as I’ll live I will not abandon you’ and then sadist Megatron screamed:’Nooooooo’ (I think that is very painful to hear for me that a non-relative of Mr. Rochester says that to him while I was abandoned, in fact betrayed by my own dad) sadist Megatron:’nooooo go away dad’ childish voice:’ they don’t want me to have something (while typing that:’this is what I’ll do to people’+middle finger). sadist Megatron: ‘I have too dad, me too suckers I want too suckers, suckers I will kill them all suckers, I want too dad, me too dad go away, go awaaay, they took from me (stole from me), do go away because of you I have nothing snik3x because of you I have nothing’

 

Other things my angry voice says are:

- ‘if I get people they’ll die anyway ha5x good for them’

- ‘I don’t care man, I want to get people, fock people’

- ‘and if I in turn won’t love them you’ll see, ha5x good for them’ (I also say these kind of sentences but then much lauder (with my sadist Megatron voice)

- ‘And I won’t love dishonorable people like you, sucker, good for you’+ having crazy/evil eyes

- ‘Because of people I will not be able to do anything in my life, that is the problem’ (I said the following a full day later, and it was almost exactly the same:) childish voice: ‘snik3x I will not be able to do anything in my life because of people you know? Go away!’

- childish voice: ‘suckers I want too, suckers I am also allowed’+stamping my feet very fast as an angry child+crazy eyes

- childish voice: ‘snik3x snik3x they don’t love me snik3x’

- sadist Megatron (and came after previous childish voice): ‘I won’t love them suckers go away!’

- angry/false voice (and came after previous Megatron voice): ‘And if I won’t love them in turn you will see, ha5x ha5x I will do this to people’

- childish voice: ‘snik3x I wanna do this to people, people hurt me so much, I cannot act and move freely the way I want to among people, in the presence of people, I hate people’

- ‘snik3x I’ll never love people, you know it right? Snik3x’ (I think this is the voice I sometimes have a dialogue with).

- ‘snik3x you never loved me, and I will never love you snik3x go away’

 

- (angry and squeezing my fist extremely hard and I am folded in each other and screaming with sadist Megatron:’ I have nothing’

- shaking my head ‘no’ when thinking about how bad people do against me+middle finger+extremely loud:’dare to say something! I’m gonna kill!’ + ’daddy I’m gonna get you ha5x’ (I think the first voice was my childish voice and the second my angry voice)

[Theory5]

OK. first off, why do you think we are qualified to advise you on such matters? I am not a psychologist, and I can't speak for EVERYBODY on hypography but I assume that few to none of us are qualified to help you, and if we were, I would assume somebody would want a fee. I don't know you, but I assume you are a sentient being and therefore it is in my best interest to help you ( I like to help). So my advice ( remember I am giving friendly advice, not any kind of medical or otherwise) is to go see a psychologist. It will help you in the long run, and they will know how to treat you.

[Cephalover]

Psychologist and psychiatrists (you probably would benefit from seeing both) do not hang out on internet forums looking for people to give free medical advice to. Even if any users were qualified to help you, it would be irresponsible for them to do so without first conducting a face-to-face interview and systematic diagnostic tests.

 

Please go see a qualified professional about your problem.