Quality Jokes and Humor

[Lancewen]

23 ADULT TRUTHS ******

 

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

 

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

 

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

 

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

 

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

 

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

 

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

 

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

 

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

 

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

 

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

 

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

 

 

[Lancewen]

BOB

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

 

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

 

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

 

'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club.

 

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

 

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

 

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

 

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

 

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it

 

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

 

The cabby turns around and says,

 

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.'

 

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

 

 

[Lancewen]

Heaven and Hell!

 

 

 

 

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

 

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 

 

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

 

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

 

"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

 

 

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

 

 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

 

 

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

 

 

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

 

 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

 

 

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar, and the finest champagne.

 

 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

 

 

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

 

 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

 

 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where

 

St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

 

 

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 

 

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

 

 

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

 

 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..

 

 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

 

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

 

 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

 

 

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

 

 

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning.

Today, you voted.."

 

 

 

[JMJones0424]

Via the erv blog, a photo by Seth Casteel

 

While the rest of the world clamors over experimental evidence of the "god particle" a new discovery goes relatively unnoticed-