Quality Jokes and Humor

[JerryB]

I now declare this the ScienceForums Quality Jokes and Humor

thread. This thread is for quality humor only. The kind of stuff

that you just can't wait to pass on. I figure we get the good stuff

all in one place so when we need a lift we can be fairly sure of

getting it. If it's just a little amusing or kinda cute then best put

it in a separate thread. This is for ROTFLMAO humor. Please uphold

the standards. If you're not sure about the quality of your humor,

check the next 4 posts for samples.

[JerryB]

QANTAS AIRLINES

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics

correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots

review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that

ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance

complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions

recorded (marked with an S) By maintenance engineers.

 

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

 

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

 

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

 

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

 

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

 

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

 

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

 

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

 

 

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

 

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

 

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

 

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

 

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

 

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed .

 

 

And the best one for last..................

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

[JerryB]

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C.,

came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself that the

traffic seemed worse than usual.

 

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped

cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's

the hold-up?"

 

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped

his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline

and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about

why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening deficit and economy,

or that his tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends.

So we're taking up a collection for him."

 

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

 

The officer replied, "About four gallons, but a lot of

folks are still siphoning."

[JerryB]

A young man is working in a grocery store in New York. An older man

approaches him and asks where he can find half a head of lettuce. The

young man says they don't sell half a head only the whole head of lettuce.

 

The older man complains that it's ridiculous, he only needs half a head.

So the young man says he will talk to the manager and see what he can

do about it.

 

He walks to the back office and says to the manager that there is some

idiot up front who wants to buy half a head of lettuce, he then turns to

see the older man standing right behind him listening to his conversation.

He quickly tells the manager that this is a different guy who is kind enough

to buy the other half. The manager smiles and nods. He takes care of the

customer and then comes back to talk to the stock boy.

 

"Hey kid you were pretty quick back there, where are you from?"

 

"Oh I'm from Canada."

 

The manager looks puzzled "So why did you move down here?"

 

"Oh, Canada is only full of hockey players and prostitutes."

 

The manager gets a little upset with this and says,

"My wife is from Canada!"

 

Without missing a beat the kid says, "Oh really? What team does

she play for?"

[JerryB]

Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin. He is in need of a new milk cow

and hears about a nice one for sale over in Minnesota. He

drives to Minnesota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see

if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.

 

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow,

then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat,

pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however,

so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

 

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey Sven, come and look

at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts.

 

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?"

Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

 

Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."

[rockytriton]

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the

cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb

towards the banana. AS soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of

the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the

same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other

monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from

the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the

banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror,

all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and

attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be

assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and

replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is

attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with

enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new

one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey

takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea

why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are

participating in beating the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the

remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.

Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for

the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way

it's always been done around here.

 

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

[niviene]

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

 

 

Nice. :hihi:

[Dark Mind]

A young man is working in a grocery store in New York. An older man

approaches him and asks were he can find half a head of lettuce. The

young man says they don't sell half a head only the whole head of lettuce.

You never should of told us you're an English teacher :).

 

In case you were concerned about your spelling, I bolded where you made a mistake. :hihi:

 

I knew I'd catch you eventually, but not that quick :hihi:. Nice jokes. Very good:).

[JerryB]

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

 

Mm, as niviene said, nice. Kinda gives me a good feeling.

[JerryB]

You never should of told us you're an English teacher :hihi:.

Okay, okay, but . . erm, would you mind not repeating it?

Everybody doesn't hafta know.

I knew I'd catch you eventually, but not that quick :hihi:. Nice jokes. Very good:).

A bit embarrassing actually, but I'm grateful for the

correction. When I write my own stuff I'm pretty

careful of my spelling and grammar. I always read

it over several times before posting. So usually any

spelling "errors" are deliberate like "hafta" above.

 

But no excuses. I did miss that one. When I copy

and paste stuff I get sloppy. Will be more careful in

the future.

 

Oh and by the way:

You never should of told us you're an English teacher :).

That should be, "should have told us"

but you probably knew that, didn't you?

Also

I knew I'd catch you eventually, but not that quick . .

"quickly" would be preferable, but "soon" is best. :)

[JerryB]

100 Ways to Order Pizza

 

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the

order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with

the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they

have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT

UKRAINIAN PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets"

CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a

Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks

with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation

you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I

don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99;

please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this!

You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact,

(Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call

ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some

furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are

you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included

in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel

Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet

words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last

entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go

with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to

play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit

can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said

'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No

mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it.

again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it,

say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!"

when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day)

wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,

100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

[Dark Mind]

A bit embarrassing actually, but I'm grateful for the

correction. When I write my own stuff I'm pretty

careful of my spelling and grammar. I always read

it over several times before posting. So usually any

spelling "errors" are deliberate like "hafta" above.

 

But no excuses. I did miss that one. When I copy

and paste stuff I get sloppy. Will be more careful in

the future.

 

Oh and by the way:

You never should of told us you're an English teacher :)

That should be, "should have told us"

but you probably knew that, didn't you?

Also

I knew I'd catch you eventually, but not that quick . .

"quickly" would be preferable, but "soon" is best. :)[/Quote]

-Of course I know that, I just wasn't checking my spelling and grammar as I should have been :).

 

-"Soon" would be better. "Best" is a subjective term and open to opinionization. It may be "best" in your mind, but I prefer "quickly". :hihi:

 

You knew this was coming... :hihi:

[Dark Mind]

...

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

...

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

...

 

I know you see 'em. :hihi:

 

I guess you like to copy and paste, eh?:hihi:

[JerryB]

I know you see 'em. :hihi:

 

I guess you like to copy and paste, eh?:hihi:

 

Actually I started to read them through and it suddenly

occurred to me that I didn't need to go to all the trouble

since you would do it for me. Thanks again. I'm off

to correct them.

 

That reminds me of another joke. I'll post it

next time.

[Dark Mind]

Actually I started to read them through and it suddenly

occurred to me that I didn't need to go to all the trouble

since you would do it for me. Thanks again. I'm off

to correct them.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Having someone young enough to be your student check for spelling and grammatical errors?:naughty:

Well, actually, I guess I should be flattered that someone as intelligent as you is relying on me to correct them. ;)

 

That reminds me of another joke. I'll post it

next time.

Can't wait, I printed out all the other ones and showed them to my family members. Needless to say, they all burst out in laughter.:D

 

Great thread! :hihi:

[Queso]

so a guy walks into a bar...

[infamous]

so a guy walks into a bar...

with this frog sitting on top of his head.

Bartender asks him what's his pleasure,

Frog says, "would you please help me remove this growth off my ..........."