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The man in the shadows


Killean

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After reading a certain post in the thread: Ignorance is the root to all evil, I have decided to post my colorful past (all 15 years of it), to the great people of Hypography so that they might understand who I am.

 

You know how some people can remember things from when they were one or two years old? My first cognative thoughts came to me when I was 4, driving down a naturey road in Victora British Columbia. My father was driving the car home after a short trip to the local mall and I was listening to the international news on the radio. They were talk about some war (Any battles or wars in 1990?), and I turn to my father wondering how to pronounce war and what it was. What a great way to start huh? Thankfully I never gave it another thought after that and continued on my cheary was as a youth.

 

Growing up I never realy had much of a chance to make any friends. I'm not sure how long we stayed in Victora after my coming to. Since my parents were both in the Canadian military we were reposted to different locations every once in a while. We moved from Victoria to a small airforce town called Comox (north of Victoria, still on Vacouver Island). Three years after that, my father quit the military, and my mother got booted because she refused to go to Bosnia. So we sold most of our furniture in order to move out to where I currently reside, Winnipeg Manitoba. We moved into a four room appartment (two bedrooms, bathroom and living room/kitchen combo), right above a conveinience store. Three years later we moved to a rent controlled house four or five blocks away from the apartment. Three years after that we moved once again to the house I have been living in for five years now (YAY! We broke the pattern!), which was two blocks away from the old house but two blocks closer to the apartment.

 

Although I miss the old days with my friends in BC, I would never wish to replace those I have met here in Winnipeg. I have a couple I would like to mention the most, for they are my most trusted and most liked. The first people I would become friends with in Winnipeg were a brothers who have never lived that far away from me. The two have asked that I do not reveil their names on the internet so I will call them, Jon and Peter. Jon is the younger one (my age), and Peter is the eldest (roughly two years older then I am). Jon was 'ordered' to introduce me to the class and school, and we became good friends in the future. I followed Jon home after school on the first day and met his brother Peter. During the early years I moved away from Jon and hung around Peter. He seemed to have a knack for the kind of activities I enjoyed (Such as make belief worlds of medieval fantasy (not D&D style, but actualy crafting wooden swords and shields and running around trying to beat the pulp out of each other), and Dungeons and Dragons). I stuck to him for a good many years until he ran off with his older buddies (only for a while, we did still communicate). This was about the time Jon thought it an idea to hang around me, and have done so from age 16 to 19.

 

During my days with Peter, by chance I met up with another guy who enjoyed make belief worlds of fantasy who lived two houses down from me. Instantly we hit it off (although I still believe he is psychotic), and had some fun. We remain in contact though he now lives in Nova Scotia. Which brings me to how I met GAHD. A couple of aquaitances I had met said that tonight we should go out drinking at a bush party (for those with sick or confused minds, a bush party is a bonfire party out in the middle of the woods). A few people had already gathered some wood and was trying to start the fire. Being a person who likes to help, I tried to get some wood as well, and there I met GAHD who was trying to cut down a tree or somthing, he was down in a ditch and I helped him back up. We talked for a while trying to sum each other up, and then we came to the conclusion that we would need an axe to get some more wood. Both of us walked several blocks to my place and got an axe. On the way there we had our first semi-intellectual conversation concerning good and evil, god and the devil, heaven and hell. For a while after the party I lost contact with him, and I forget how we met up once again. I think it was when another friend of mine said we should play D&D and GAHD showed up. Since those days, we on occasion play a bout of Role Playing, share our computer geeky ways with one another, and share news and theories of a scientific nature.

 

Over the years I have speant in Winnipeg I have gained many friends that I see and talk to on occasion, and the same goes for a few aquaintances. For some reason the neighborhood I live in, lots of people actualy know me. I'll be walking down the street and have people wave and call out my name yet I will think, "Who the hell is that?".

 

Onto my family life, starting with introductions. My mother is a caring individual who would give anything for the prosperity of her family. Her flaws is that she is extreamly opinionated and too quick to judge the outer coverings of a person, that is unless she has some time and actualy cares to learn about them. After recent events she has begun to shower me with all her attention and does subtle things to keep me behind her skirt like a frightened child. It's a hard battle to fight when I am so used to doing it. I'll win one of these days.

 

Next comes my father, whom I respect greatly and admire a lot. In my opinion he is a fountain of knowledge and wisdom that I on a daily bases try to soke up. He has been diagnosed as a grade A 100% psychotic person, which means that he could snap at any moment and not care about what he has done. Along with the psycho part, he is also a very logical man who follows to neutral path in life. Best analogy I can give is: his actions and thoughts on ANY subject is based off, he is balancing on a fence walking down it. When a situation arrives he will look on the 'good' side, then look on the 'bad' side, and he will chose to either keep walking down the middle or temporarily leap off and take the good or bad side. I respect his outlooks on life and love his English language skills (even though he pisses me off when he corrects my spelling, grammer and speech).

 

My sister I don't have much to say about her, and yet I have a whole book to say about her. We were close and enjoyed make belief games we created using a mixture of Barbie dolls and Lego (please don't ask, it's embaressing enough to even mention it). We had our fights as most siblings do, but in the end we still respected and cared for each other. Later on in life when she was 16 I believe (I'm two and a half years younger then she is), she got Overian Cancer. The cancer was cured but she lost that which was most important to her and most females. A year or two later, she was again diagnosed with Stomach Cancer. Yet again she was cured though this time was more difficult on her. Just after her eighteenth birthday, my sister was showing signs of pnemonia and we rushed her to the hospital because it was getting bad. The doctors sucked almost a gallon and a half of fluid from her lungs and found out that she had Cancer in her lungs. From what the doctors said she was one of the rare cases in which Cancer struck a person three times. (I think she might even be mentioned in a medical book somewhere because of it.) Again the miracle doctors cured the Cancer but my sister was in really bad shape. Her immune system was practicly nil and she would need a bone marrow transplant. They found someone with a mis-match zero compatability (not from myself) and went ahead with the transplant. My sister was in the ICU and died a week or two before Christmas.

 

My school life. Up to middle school I was the perfect student you would ever want. Yes, I was a teachers pet, and I excelled acedemically beyond those of the other students (yet I was never upped a grade). On the first year in Middle school I was pushed into the 'gifted' class (for us intellectual students), but I sorely missed all my friends (Jon for the most part) and begged the principal to send me back to my old class. When I was back there, I was teased like hell because I had not been keeping myself clean. So I ran away from school and hung out at home a lot. My mother and my teacher Mr. Parry conspired against me. When I did not go to school, Mr. Parry would drive to my house, pick me up and bring me to school. When this happened to often he gave up and so did my mother. Now was the time that the truent officers came to pick me up. I would use their own words against them and turn them away (I'm too smart for my own good I guess). When I turned 16 the truent officers would no longer show up, but my parents thought it would be good for me to see a few psychologists. Although they could not figure out what was wrong with me (abused in school and found many things around my home which were fun), they did suggest to my parents that I be brought to an institute to diagnose my problems.

 

M.A.T.C. or Manitoba Adolesence Treatment Center, a.k.a. youth psychological correctional facility, a.k.a. youngster nut house. This was a live in building of some of the most troubled youths you can think of. Beyond the trouble I made for them (refusng to leave my room during their meetings, and then fighting off five or six people, and then being carried by every limb out of my room and thrown into a locked cement cell stripped to my underwear), I went to their group therapies, had fun in the gym, ate some good food, sat around for a long while pondering the meaning of life and the universe. While there I met a nice guy (I think he was a couple years older then me), and he taught me what is was like to be 'cool'. I ran away from the center and returned home. A week or two after that they sent us some mail telling me and my parents the result of my stay. My score on a Canadian IQ test was 254 of 400. And I am diagnosed with Asburghers Syndrome. For those who do not care to look it up, it means I am a highly intelligent individual who suffers socialy. One person thought to have said syndrome was good ol' E=MC2, and all those relativity theories Mr. Albert. This may be true but I doubt it.

 

Returning back to life I went to school on occasion and passed with minimal grades. I never attended high school but I am proud to say that I am taking an online corrispondance high school coarse and should be getting my diploma within the next couple of weeks with an 83 average. Thank you. Thank you.

 

After my days in MATC, and my all new look and caretaking to make me seem 'cool', people started to notice me and I was hanging out with the rough crowd. You know, those kids who sit in the back alleys and smoke cigarettes, talk about their many dates, bad mouth each others mother and all that good stuff. I have even done my fair share of throwing rocks at cars, breaking windows, knocking **** over and writing grafitty (though I never got into any fights because I am a passifist). I also got highly addicted to marijuana (up to smokeing two to three grams a day), and this culture ran my life for a few years (I quit a year and a couple months after my sister died, which I am still pissed at because when she was sick I never visted her, when she died I could care less, at her funeral I laughed (They were playing cheesy music). I still kick myself because of all that and the way weed contributed to it).

 

Now in recent days I get dragged out of my home to go to the watering hole with friends (namely Jon and Peter), and GAHD some of the time calls me up and we will hang out chatting about lots of different things. On occasion the friends who drag me out of the house, we will go do a bunch of retarded things like taking a sled down a hill at fast speeds and then ramming into a chained down garbage can. Plus a few other stupid things which don't come to mind at the moment but will eventualy. When I am alone in my basement dungeon, I use the computer a lot to do a few things (software programming, website development (HTML, CSS, JavaScript, DHTML, Flash, and trying to learn PHP and Perl/CGI. *nudges Tormod* need any help some time? Me no want money just somthing to do.), desktop publishing, BBS role playing and of coarse Hypographying.)

 

[edited for reasons of feeling incomplete]

Though my general feelings and outlooks can be seen the the thread I mentioned at the beginning, there are a few other tidbits about myself that were not mentioned.

 

I can be classified as a shy individual. I never really speak unless I have a burning question or have something constructive to add, or drunk. I spend most of my time observing the behavior and actions of others in an attempt to try and further understand the way they are. Never do I get into any deep insultive conversations and my friends have an understanding with that. I don't insult them and they do not insult me.

 

At the moment I am looking forward to four things. 1) HCNA05, 2) A Vacation to Scotland to escape my daily life for a month or two, 3) A business programming and hardware design with GAHD, and 4) High School diploma so I have a better chance at scoring a job to make 1, 2, and 3 a reality. Along the way I hope to pick up some fascinating information like Physics, Advanced Mathematics, Astronomy and naturaly computer related things.

 

I may have been diagnosed with a lacking of social skills and exposure, but it is my hopes that spending time here will aide me and get me away from the shadows.

[end of added bits]

 

So, what do you all think? Please be gentle.

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Dear Killean,

 

I most say your life story is a very..."intersting" one. One some levels I can relate and some i can not. Maybe i should tell u a little about me.

 

I guess you can say i am still a youngen...i'm 16, (actually will turn 16 on the 27 of this month) but i am a average High Schooler here in the good old US of A... I have a great passion for running...but...i also have a great passion for people...

 

I know this may sound weird, but i do...I have come to the conclusion that i wanna be a Phycologist when i grow up...(if that will ever happen..LOL)

 

When i read your story i was moved and confused. You say that u suffer from social issues and you claim this from your H.S. years of tourment.

"Although they could not figure out what was wrong with me (abused in school and found many things around my home which were fun), they did suggest to my parents that I be brought to an institute to diagnose my problems."

I personal wanna know more. If u don't wish to share...i;m guessing this is your problem area.

 

Congrads on the High School Diploma!

 

There is alot to this story, i give u an A for putting yourself out there and A for the Length as well. LOL :)

 

You sound like quite the strong person, and maybe no one has realised that. You have my respect. I can't wait to hear/learn from your and your Brain.

 

With High Regards;

OP5

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Killean,

 

well, what to say. I spent the first 30 minutes at work today reading your post. When I got to the sister part I had to take a walk or my colleagues would start to wonder (yes, reading Hypography is not in my contract but I sneak it in...).

 

I am at a loss for words. But I want to thank you for sharing. And if there is one thing which MUST happen, it is that you and Gahd must make it to the HCNA05 somehow, even if it should require some extra work on your side and mine.

 

*nudges Tormod* need any help some time?

Yes! I spend endless hours working with the tech side of Hypography. Alexander is starting to help out but I think it would be even better if we could put together a small team of devs who can be in charge of developing new features, fixing bugs, keeping our Forums software up to date etc.

 

Why don't you PM me and we'll talk about it? I'd be very interested in what you can do, and not least what you WANT to do. Hypography is for everyone, and that also involves creating new stuff here if someone wants to do it.

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Killean,

 

I am sorry for the loss of your sister. That has got to be a lot to take for one so young. I was

going to ask you as delicate as I could that your "social difficulty" was ADD. You instead said

what I must have missed (I had to read your post a second time) was Ausberger's Syndrome.

I was just reading about it in a book I was reading on ADD. Myself, I am planning to go get

tested to find out one way or another whether I have ADD. I more than twice your age, though

I still remember some similarity in my adolecent home life. My only brother didn't die, yet

he broke his neck when he was 19 (I was 11). My school grades took a turn to mediocrity

at about 9 yrs old. From even when I was 8, the most common theme comment on any

report of my progress to my parents was "not living up to his potential". In college my

freshman year, I made it on the Dean's list with a lineup of coursework that would flunk the

best of people. I had the attitude it was easy. By my third year, I found it dificult to go to

class (courses that I loved). All I can remember is that I didn't feel in control of my emotions.

However, the opposite was true, they seemed in control of my actions.

 

My life was different than yours more than you know. I still feel what it's like not fitting in.

Because I am easily distracted now, I am finding returning for a Master in EE to more

difficult than I would have thought. The book I was reading on ADD was by Dr. Daniel G.

Amen of Amen Clinic in California. He mentions a website http://www.brainplace.com .

I recommend going to it. I am inable to speak on your condition, I though you might like

the site though. I find that it is universal that find what your talents are and figure out

what you could do to utilize those talents in which you would love to do and do that.

 

Best wishes to you in 2005 ! :)

 

Maddog

 

ps: What is HCNA05 ? I infer that this is some acronym of maybe a conference;

so where is it and when this year ? Tormod, anyone ?

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Quoted from OpenMind5:

When i read your story i was moved and confused. You say that u suffer from social issues and you claim this from your H.S. years of tourment.

"Although they could not figure out what was wrong with me (abused in school and found many things around my home which were fun), they did suggest to my parents that I be brought to an institute to diagnose my problems."

I personal wanna know more. If u don't wish to share...i;m guessing this is your problem area.

I have no real problems with sharing my life with others. I'm a very open person (as you can all plainly see), and would be glad to elaborate on said subject. I developed a theory about this subject several months ago while going through a rigorous self-analysis meditative state. As a child I was a free spirit who thought that I could befriend practicly anyone. Since my parents were military being reposted from town to town I had little time to really get to know anyone, even though I had an easy time making them my friend. Everything changed when I got to Winnipeg. Big city, rough people. In elementary school when I first met Jon, he had a much larger friend who just LOVES to pick on people. Since I am the sensitive type (always have been), he found it easy to pick on me. Because of that guy I phased Jon out of my life and moved to his older brother. So there I was saved but this would add to the problems. When middle school came around, I mentioned that I had hygene problems which singled me out from the large crowd. I tried my best to ignore the comments of them but eventialy it got to me, so I left. From my time away from school and the constant insults I think that is what contributed to my condition.

 

On the other hand, I read my report cards a little while ago and noticed way before I moved to Winnipeg that I showed signs of being socialy inept, especialy when it came to working on computers. They say that when I was supposed to share them with other students I would get violent. Maybe I was born with the problem but the choices I made, made things worse. :)

 

Quoted by OpenMind5:

I know this may sound weird, but i do...I have come to the conclusion that i wanna be a Phycologist when i grow up...(if that will ever happen..LOL)

Although I dislike the shrinks I met, I know that the field is very benificial and not all are as non-caring as those. I'd say work hard and try to observe peoples behavior much as I did. In fact, whilst I find and do work of any sort, I plan to send away for another corispondance coarse. Basic Psychology and Abnormal Psychology. I've always had a way of trying helping people at their worst of times, but I find that I get shot down lots because I know so little about how to solve it. I think that becoming an unofficial psych will be great and people might thank or curse me.

 

Quoted from Tormod:

Yes! I spend endless hours working with the tech side of Hypography. Alexander is starting to help out but I think it would be even better if we could put together a small team of devs who can be in charge of developing new features, fixing bugs, keeping our Forums software up to date etc.

:) Tormod, you have just brought a little sunshine my way!

 

ADD was somthing I considered to myself a bit, however I never really put too much thought behind it because I have two aquaintances who have it full blown. A mistake perhaps, trying to relate a severe case to myself. I do get bored with things awefully quick (unless I have some form of deadline enforced on me), in everything I do except for one thing, the BBS Role Playing. Our story has been going on for nearly four years now. I'll check that site out, might be helpful.

 

HCNA05 stands for Hypography Convention North America 2005. Check out the watercooler forum for the official threads on it.

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I wouldn't say it is much like Dungeons and Dragons, rather a story telling RP. Everyone takes a turn to write about what their characters are doing to tell an epic tale. Check it out if you like:

 

Tempers Ball - Writers Corner

Look for the thread entitled "A Land in Chaos 3". My posts go by my name here, Killean. At the moment I run four different characters and at the top of each part I will tell who.

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